Hoverboard – This issue is discussed constantly in America and the tension multiplies each year as we schlep further into the 21st century. The classic film Back to the Future II takes place in the year 2015, in which America is projected to enjoy such luxuries as black mayors (“that’ll be the day”), World Series-winning Chicago Cubs, flying cars – and most prestigiously- the hoverboard. Do you realize how STUPID our society is going to look if we can’t have hoverboards by 2015? Of course, a flying car would be amazing but I’m sure we can all make that concession; a hoverboard would be a lovely thing to settle for. Is there any justification for our hover-deprivation? Consider this: remember how GM killed the electric car? What is the likelihood that skateboarding legend/tyrant Tony Hawk has used his celebrity and wealth to sabotage the development of the hoverboard? You telling me he wanted benefit from that? Until further information surfaces, let’s assume Hawk is responsible for robbing us of our dear dream toy. That’s why I’m still riding around on a Razr scooter like a dickhead.
Body Scan App for iPhone – Boy, if I could just get back half the money I’ve wasted over the years on x-ray glasses. The consistent truth of both my childhood and adult life has been that trying to see naked women is nothing but a fool’s errand. But in the last year, you couldn’t turn on a TV or computer without hearing two phrases: (1) “there’s an app for that” (2) “airport security’s invasive body scans, blah blah…” It is only natural that these two hot topics will coalesce into an iPhone app that will let the users scan right through those unsexy fabrics and discover the wonder of the nude body! Then you can upload the nude pics directly to Facebook. I like this.
Urinal Video Games – First of all, I know they already have this in Japan – so let’s go, get that shit to the states, now. Of course what I’m referring to is the motion sensor technology that let’s the user control an arcade-style shooter game with a stream of urine. It only works with fellas, sorry ladies! Guys love games and hate to be bored during a whiz. And Move-the-Cigarette-Butt-Around got old in goddam 1902, so I know we’re all ready to play a better piss game. I’m sure there’s already a long line of guys waiting for the midnight release of the new game, Call of Nature.
Butt Gum – Chewing gum can help relieve stress and freshen breath, plus it’s delicious! But hey, why should the mouth have all the fun? Butt Gum! It’s on the way to a butt near you. Now, I don’t want anyone to get embarrassed, so I’ll describe this as delicately as possible. Sometimes “butt breath” isn’t all that fresh, so why not pop in a piece of gum and start smelling great all over? And we all know that the majority of physical stress in the body is centralized in the butt, so you should give it something to do! Chew on some Butt Gum and blow some bubbles! I’d love to be the Sham-Wow type infomercial guy for Butt Gum, though it really ought to sell itself.
UV/Radiowave Birth Control – Pills and condoms may seem like easy contraception methods, but it takes entirely too much personal responsibility to incorporate them into whoopee-making. This is America - we shouldn’t have to work so hard to prevent pregnancy. It should be effortless, and if this is a civilized nation, it shouldn’t be optional. So that’s why birth control will soon be transmitted through the UV rays of a tanning bed. Yea girl! No sponge, no pill – just get keep gettin’ yo bronze on and you won’t get no baby making you fat as hell! And bros, just hang out and play some Xbox and shit. Birth control can also be administered through the radio waves of a TV. And there should be sonic birth control in the music of LMFAO. I don't know if people actually listen to that shit, but if they do, they should not reproduce. This is how the people that really need birth control get birth control. Sterilization has never been so efficient, or fun! Society will reap the benefits for generations to come. The only downside: there will be no more new seasons of MTV’s Teen Mom.
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