Technologies That Will (hopefully) Debut in 2012

Hoverboard – This issue is discussed constantly in America and the tension multiplies each year as we schlep further into the 21^st century. The classic film Back to the Future II takes place in the year 2015, in which America is projected to enjoy such luxuries as black mayors (“that’ll be the day”), World Series-winning Chicago Cubs, flying cars – and most prestigiously- the hoverboard. Do you realize how STUPID our society is going to look if we can’t have hoverboards by 2015? Of course, a flying car would be amazing but I’m sure we can all make that concession; a hoverboard would be a lovely thing to settle for. Is there any justification for our hover-deprivation? Consider this: remember how GM killed the electric car? What is the likelihood that skateboarding legend/tyrant Tony Hawk has used his celebrity and wealth to sabotage the development of the hoverboard? You telling me he wanted benefit from that? Until further information surfaces, let’s assume Hawk is responsible for robbing us of our dear dream toy. That’s why I’m still riding around on a Razr scooter like a dickhead.

Body Scan App for iPhone – Boy, if I could just get back half the money I’ve wasted over the years on x-ray glasses. The consistent truth of both my childhood and adult life has been that trying to see naked women is nothing but a fool’s errand. But in the last year, you couldn’t turn on a TV or computer without hearing two phrases: (1) “there’s an app for that” (2) “airport security’s invasive body scans, blah blah…” It is only natural that these two hot topics will coalesce into an iPhone app that will let the users scan right through those unsexy fabrics and discover the wonder of the nude body! Then you can upload the nude pics directly to Facebook. I like this.

Urinal Video Games – First of all, I know they already have this in Japan – so let’s go, get that shit to the states, now. Of course what I’m referring to is the motion sensor technology that let’s the user control an arcade-style shooter game with a stream of urine. It only works with fellas, sorry ladies! Guys love games and hate to be bored during a whiz. And Move-the-Cigarette-Butt-Around got old in goddam 1902, so I know we’re all ready to play a better piss game. I’m sure there’s already a long line of guys waiting for the midnight release of the new game, Call of Nature.

Butt Gum – Chewing gum can help relieve stress and freshen breath, plus it’s delicious! But hey, why should the mouth have all the fun? Butt Gum! It’s on the way to a butt near you. Now, I don’t want anyone to get embarrassed, so I’ll describe this as delicately as possible. Sometimes “butt breath” isn’t all that fresh, so why not pop in a piece of gum and start smelling great all over? And we all know that the majority of physical stress in the body is centralized in the butt, so you should give it something to do! Chew on some Butt Gum and blow some bubbles! I’d love to be the Sham-Wow type infomercial guy for Butt Gum, though it really ought to sell itself.

UV/Radiowave Birth Control – Pills and condoms may seem like easy contraception methods, but it takes entirely too much personal responsibility to incorporate them into whoopee-making. This is America - we shouldn’t have to work so hard to prevent pregnancy. It should be effortless, and if this is a civilized nation, it shouldn’t be optional. So that’s why birth control will soon be transmitted through the UV rays of a tanning bed. Yea girl! No sponge, no pill – just get keep gettin’ yo bronze on and you won’t get no baby making you fat as hell! And bros, just hang out and play some Xbox and shit. Birth control can also be administered through the radio waves of a TV. And there should be sonic birth control in the music of LMFAO. I don't know if people actually listen to that shit, but if they do, they should not reproduce. This is how the people that really need birth control get birth control. Sterilization has never been so efficient, or fun! Society will reap the benefits for generations to come. The only downside: there will be no more new seasons of MTV’s Teen Mom.

Do This. Don't Do That. Can't You Read The Sign?

This happened in the summer of 2010. After a year of performing live music consistently – consistent, for me, meaning once every two or three months – I went out looking for my next gig. As a musician with no manager, industry savvy, or popularity, I have always played at very modest and very random venues, in front of a modest and random group of friends. I had just recently booked a more ambitious live show for myself and a few other bands. The rub was that I had to rent out the venue, making me dependent on selling a certain amount of tickets to break even. I sold less than a certain amount. So afterwards I was quite keen on booking a show with no expectations or red tape, where I could enjoy myself. I decided that Starbucks was the perfect place to host this affair. I had performed, and also worked there previously, so it was like what the movers and shakers call a “connection.” The Starbucks of Spring Hill, TN was happy to have me, but the rest of the town would later show me all the hospitality of a hornet’s nest. (This is a literary device known as “foreshadowing”, which is the intent to foreshadow a future event in the story.)

For as long as I’ve been performing live music, I’ve been designing provocative promo flyers. Every band makes flyers, but for me it’s a big deal and a major part of my brand. My flyer designs tend to be more commemorative than promotional, because I acknowledge the fact that showering the earth (or the internet) in them will not increase concert attendance. This is similar to the way that pro-wrestling acknowledges that it is fake so that it can be awesome. So with the date set for the Starbucks show, it was time to make the accompanying promo art. I really wanted to raise some eyebrows, you know, rattle the town’s cage.

If I were to describe the town of Spring Hill, I would not use words like ‘diverse’, ‘vibrant’, or ‘open-minded’. Buried deep in the doldrums of suburban sprawl, Spring Hill is the type of place where families and fast food chains thrive. I figured I could add some color to its dingy main street with some zany signs. I noticed that neon poster boards are popular amongst yard sale advertisers. I believe these bright colors serve a dual purpose: attracting the attention of the consumer and suggesting that the yard sale is fun (sometimes balloons are used as well). I’m sure there’s also a safety benefit to neon posters – they work like roadside reflectors, making it easier for motorists to stay on the road. With my road signs, I would employ these objectives, but it was more important to be outrageous, bold, and silly – to provoke and confuse some folks, and to delight and entertain those that were in on the joke.

I had my multi-chromatic designs printed and laminated, thanks to a friendly connection at a print shop. Next, I married them with a bounty of craft store swag and created some bizarre three-dimensional conversation pieces – roadside attractions that reflected my street art sensibility and goofball humor. “Wait till the passers-by get a load of these!”, I exclaimed to myself. I was proud and excited for people to see them, though a bit apprehensive of having to install them publicly. It is, after all, an odd and precarious thing to be seen doing. Come to think of it, I always think every pedestrian looks peculiar and suspicious. So for a few minutes, I was that strange man on the side of the road, where I don’t belong, hammering a bizarre object into the ground. It was a good day. But the next day, my signs were gone.

It appeared as if my displays had been savagely and unjustly plucked from the land I shared with hundreds of other taxpayers. I was symbiotically robbed of a platform as Spring Hill was robbed of a spectacle. Nevertheless, I would return to the streets with my remaining signs, unfazed by the municipal prejudice. It wasn’t terribly surprising that my signs were removed, but I sort of took it personally. It seemed to say: “In this town, you’re unconventional, therefore you’re unwelcome. Creativity and fun will not be tolerated here.” Or at least, that's how I took, as a sign. A mean sign. Maybe it’d be different if I were a church putting out advertisements for vacation bible study. Either way, I am offering the highest degree of entertainment (or religious edu-tainment) in the area.

But of course the show went on. I performed gratuitously for more than two hours, harmonizing with the steaming of milk and the blending of ice. I don’t know what the justification could’ve been for the removal of my signs, or which boorish yokels performed the graceless task. What I do know is, at the time of this writing, I am the only person in Spring Hill history to furnish Main Street with bold and hilarious signage to promote what was – if I dare say – the coolest musical performance the town will ever see*.

* I am implicitly conceding the reputation of Spring Hill’s coolest concert ever to the 1999 Saturn Homecoming, which featured Hootie & The Blowfish and less interestingly, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. A unique phenomenon, the event was a celebration of Saturn car owners and the local workers – like a wholesome Bonnaroo, except everyone was getting high off of Clinton-era optimism and American manufacturing. So the accurate Spring Hill concert timeline would be: (1) ’99 Saturn Homecoming, (2) Smooth Sailor at Starbucks, and (3) Nothing that good ever happening again.

Thank You For Being a Friend

Goddam love Golden Girls. One of the coolest ways I'd like to waste my time one day would be to write an episode of Golden Girls. And King of the Hill. 

I dig the whole Somebody&Somebody& T-shirt trend, and how extensive the references go. I think it's a cool and kind of meta way to revere cultural icons. I don't think Golden Girls has been done, so I'm quite proud of this. I really ought to get this made. Also available in nightgown! 

Shit List / Bright Side

This is gonna be real similar to Compex Magazine's "Props over here/ Fuck outta here!" You know those little things that piss you off and turn you on.

Shit list

1. Sports broadcasted in widescreen letterbox, when they don’t stretch to fill a 4:3 screen. It takes you further away from the action - and hey - how the hell am I supposed to read the vertical headlines on Sportscenter?

2. “Like us on Facebook/Follow us on Twitter” on everything ya see, everywhere ya go.

License Plates With Messages

It's gay that Tennessee offers a license plate that says "Choose Life" and has a ugly baby on it. Well it's not gay, but it's not fair. It's a passive-aggressive way for people to say "I have conservative views on reproductive rights, kiss my ass!" And you always see license plates when you're behind someone, that's where the 'kiss my ass' comes from. Without getting into all the dirty deetz of this issue, we can just establish that there is another side to it. So I took the liberty of designing a plate for all my empowered and progressive sisters out there.

And we've all seen the 'household divided' sports plates (ex. half Michigan/Ohio State or Auburn/Alabama.) I think they're cute cause I picture the car owner saying, "Oh you know, my old lady really gets my goat talkin' bout Crimson Tide, gets me mad as the dickens! But whadya gonna do? We quarrel but we love!" Rivalries can't stop love! So would you figure there's a couple out there with radically different abortion views? And how many kids would they have? Hmm. Well, this plate is for them.

Inauguration

I declare this to be the first post of the WFJ. The purpose is to document and canonize the most fun and obtuse slices of life, as well as original writings, sounds, images, and videos. This will also be like a digital version of medieval stocks for pop culture to be satirized, humiliated, and pissed on.

Besides my original artwork, I expect to feature things like top 5 good/bad lists, lifestyle innovations, religious fiction, critiques of various subjects, charts and graphs, film treatments, and I'm gonna try to keep erotica out of here, but with the way the world is going, I might have no choice.

Thanks for reading.