Government Mandated Dating: A New Public Option For Meeting Singles

The War of the Sexes and the battle between Big Government vs Small Government are poised to converge over one controversial issue: Government-mandated dating. A proposed system would obligate single men and women to enroll in a dating database that would pair them up with state-approved suitors. The plan is known by the name Date.gov, which will soon be the web address for America's taxpayer-funded public option for online dating. Depending on who you ask, this is either a fascist annihilation of a sacred and "unflawed" dating tradition, or a springboard to an egalitarian society where everyone has a fair shot at true love. The true, practical and objective question is: will Big Brother be any good at matchmaking? 

President Obama's Affordable Healthcare Act seemed to open the floodgates for new Government programs that affect our lives in unprecedented ways. Although the Healthcare legislation and the dating mandate plan are both intended to improve the lives of Americans, they also incite major skepticism. Questions are raised about the effectiveness and integrity of the programs (Aren't Government-run services always inferior and wasteful?) as well as the philosophical virtue of Federal regulation (Is the Government suppressing liberty by telling us who to date?)

Americans have picked their own mates for almost 2½ centuries, why is now the time to change? And isn't this a throwback to the days of forced, arranged marriages and authoritarian government? Nobody likes it when their parents tells them who they can or can't date, and presumably, same goes for Uncle Sam.

New York congressman, Anthony Weiner, a major advocate of Government matchmaking, offers this official statement on his Twitter account:

The truth is the Government is never going to make you date anybody, so don't get all freaked out. And of course the Government would NEVER tell two people they couldn't be together! So perhaps love should be considered a public good, which would behoove the Government to facilitate it to its taxpayers. After all, shouldn't something as socially-centric as dating actually be socialized?

But far to the other side of the issue, there's libertarian leader and former Congressman, Ru Paul. While Paul is obviously antagonistic toward any type of Government activity, he truly knows sexuality inside and out.

There you have a summary of the political debate over the Government Dating proposal, but these polarized accounts do nothing to inform Americans of the actual issue. Believe it or not, there's more to relationships than just bickering. So to shed light on the factual conditions of the Matchmaking rollout, let's examine the history of its development and implementation strategy.

Rich guys really do get all the chicks!

You Had Me At 'Hello' - The History of Date.Gov

When Al Gore invented the internet in the early 1990s, President Bill Clinton's top priority was to cultivate the new technology to become a venue for meeting women. Even as an early concept, the internet has always been intended to be nothing but a virtual bar, a la picking up women and playing online poker. As the US Government worked on perfecting a viable online dating infrastructure, the internet evolved over the years into a platform with many more uses, most of which did not result in scoring with babes.

As is usually the case with American innovation, the technology is created by a Government institution and enhanced (read: commercialized) by business entrepreneurs. Companies like Match.com and eHarmony may have made significant progress with online matchmaking, but obviously the shareholders profited more than any average Joe or Joann looking for love. Privatized online dating sites boast about all the relationships and marriages they create, while omitting the ugliest detail: that they lead to even more breakups and divorces. Nothing about dating websites is ever as good as it claims to be.  

The next big stride for matchmaking technology came just two years ago, not from professionals in Silicon Valley, but from a student at the University of Massachusetts. Chris Smekhov, a 24-year-old Computer Science major and former virgin, was able to create an advanced algorithm that mathematically pairs up students using their Student ID numbers. Most college students meet each other through common interests, but this is a dead-end street when it comes to Computer Science majors, who are almost always socially-inept beta-males. It's understandable that these young men would devote their time to any sort of technical wizardry (or deception) that could get them a date.  

Smekhov never made too many UMass keg-party appearances, but by way of his job at he Student Registration office, plenty of students got to meet him and immediately forget about him. When he wasn't making ID badges and processing data, he would spend long, late-night hours cooped up in the computer lab. This was reportedly an unsettling scene for students and faculty that would pass by and look into the dark room; Smekhov's stick-figure frame enshrouded by darkness, only two milky eyes illuminated by the glow of the monitor. Suspicions arose that he was crunching more than numbers in there. But Chris Smekhov's hard work resulted in the state-of-the-art algorithm that, probably by no accident, paired him up the girl of his dreams. With the help of his Comp Science colleagues, Smekhov developed a smartphone app, YouMassAss, which repeated the function for hundreds of students who hopped right on the tech bandwagon. 

"I couldn't believe how quick it caught on!," Smekhov tells us. "Our generation is so tech-obsessed, they're just waiting for the next innovation that will make life more convenient and less complex. Everybody wants to hook up! We just want to avoid most of the preliminary human interaction. Just like we don't want to physically go to the bank, apply for a job, make a phone call, buy something at the store, go to a classroom, or rent a video."  

The US Government just happened to catch wind of Smekhov's app early on, and promptly bought the rights to the patent. This is standard procedure in the tech-business world, which is why the Government needed to catch up and finally make a wise investment. The Big Business monopoly of online dating was a few keystrokes away from being challenged by a public option.

When Love Comes To Town - The Implementation of Socialized Dating

A national dating pool is a colossal undertaking, so as the Government prepared for a large-scale rollout, a few localized test markets were established. For more information on this process, we were able to speak with Deb Barthsgaard, a lead director of the Government's marketing department--which, isn't it weird that the Government has a marketing department? It's also weird that Deb is not short for "Deborah", and damn sure not "Debbie". When you call her "Debbie", the interview ends.

Deb Barthsgaard
Assistant Director of Marketing - US Federal Government

"We determined that Unemployment Offices were the key to success.", Barthsgaard says, marking the first time that phrase has been ever used. Deb continues, "People are always registering and keeping correspondence with the office, they have no choice. So why not just use the unemployed as guinea pigs for this experiment? So for all intents and purposes, we've converted select Unemployed Offices into dating centers."

They changed the logo to look like Urban Outfitters, and put an Instagram-style filter on this picture.
Look how not-depressing it looks!

It turned out to be quite pragmatic and a smooth transition; the change only meant claimants filled out a few extra questions and checked a few extra boxes. Then when they receive their checks, it's got an even more exciting number on it, a phone number.

When you consider that over 40% of men and women meet their spouse at work, it makes perfect sense why Unemployment Offices should offer a dating service. If you don't have a job, how can you strike up a flirtatious rapport with a co-worker? And how can you develop that rapport into a tennis match of winks and longing glances? Then how do you harvest that sexual tension into a game of exponentially-erotic physical touches and deep conversations where you really, I mean really get to know the person, before going to bed with them and ipso facto entering a committed relationship? Unemployed people deserve the same opportunities. When you get laid off, you don't need to get a new job, you need to get laid. You just had a damn job.

Take a look at some of the couples that the Government has brought together, then decide for yourself if this will be a positive social program in the future.

Natalie & Juan "The Leopard" Alvarez

Natalie Cooper went from Beauty Queen to Welfare Queen in just nine months, and now all she's got to show for it is a toddler and a tiara. When she told her former beau that she was pregnant, it was a last thing she ever told him; he got the hell out of dodge. Even a child-support subpoena could not track down the freewheeler (he was using a fake name--that bastard!) so Natalie was on her own. What's worse, Natalie's relationship with "Rex" had caused her family so much shame and heartache, they ultimately had to cut her off for good. Her bridges were burnt and her lover had blazed a trail out of town. Who would she turn to now?

Then she met the Juan. He's Juan Alvarez, they call him The Leopard. It has something to do with how fast he could make money or close real estate deals back when the housing market was good. He's watched the world turn into a harsh, loveless place in the last few years, and has had to perform harsh, loveless acts. A master of many trades, The Leopard has been able to maintain a semblance of what was previously a very lavish lifestyle. He'd had almost everything, and no longer wanted anything except a Queen to share his life with. Finally the state awarded her to him.

Natalie Cooper will never forget the warm night at Tony Roma's where Juan told her, "I will take care of you and your kid."

Lenny & Margot

Margot had never heard of Magic the Gathering, or even World of Warcraft, before she met Lenny; now she is learning the ropes of online gaming and attends all of Lenny's Magic games at the card shop. Lenny had never watched America's Got Talent before he met Margot, but now he cares about it. They watch it together every week, alternating between Lenny's mom's house and Margo's apartment, until they inevitably, lovingly move in with each other. In fact, Lenny is thinking about trying out for America's Got Talent; he's not "traditionally" talented but Margo thinks he is. Yeah, these two do about everything together, they even take pictures together in the bathroom (must be a generational thing). And to think, none of it would be possible without the Government mandate. To top it all off, Lenny and Margot no longer need unemployment benefits because they've both just been hired by Kroger!

Keith (A.K.A. Rex?) & Amber

Amber is just like most girls, she'll have a child before she turns 19 and she just flat-out cannot resist the charm of Keith/Rex. She loves him because he's a bad boy and an enigma; he likes her because she's like most girls. Amber is--OK, that's enough about them, let's just move on.

Herb Patterson

Actually Herb was not able to meet anyone. If you or anyone you know is interested in Herb, please get in touch with him via Facebook. He's a good guy.

Rex & Jamekee

Oh Rex, goddam you!

Dontell & Duke

There are no words for these two. No words, at least none that I'd be able to summon. So let me just quote part of a song that the white one wrote about the black one:

     Jump up and down!

     Pick up my ***** and **** it around

     Pull me close **** and ***** all my **** 

Let's Work It Out - The Next Step for Date.Gov's Launch

The right wing--Big Business, Evangelical Christians, and the ruling establishment of traditional dating--want nothing to do with dating reform, or as they call it, "Love Redistribution". Only an elite minority actually benefit from the current system. Most of the voters that empower the right wing are going against their own interest; they say they don't like the plan but upon hearing the details individually, they are heavily in favor.

Conversely, Liberals are in favor of what's known as a "single player" system. This is basically a Euro-style nonstop sex frenzy. Everybody gets as much sex as they can stand, on demand, and the Government pays the bill. No committed relationships are required in this system, it's basically a Welfare state with free prostitutes. It's unlikely to pass in this uptight nation, but we can still dream.

The likely middle ground for both sides is going to be a system that incorporates dating site juggernauts like eHarmony, but includes a public option as well. There's one new provision involved that's surprisingly popular on both sides: the formation of the Federal Dating Insurance Claus, which would help protect and stabilize people's personal lives at the end of a bad relationship.

So even more Government growth is the answer? Did the Republicans buy off on this? Yes. Because they know business, and dating insurance is just good business.

A relationship is an investment. And in this dating market, there are a whole lt of bad ones. So wouldn't it be nice if the Government bailed you out when your Love Dow Jones crashes? When you enter a relationship, consider all the friends, hobbies, and bachelor happiness that you forfeit--now add in the opportunity cost of what you could've been doing, and multiply that by the interest rate. What you have is an equation that equals severe depression.

Here's an analogy for all you computer nerds: say you're working on a spreadsheet or a project when all of sudden, your computer crashes. The FDIC essentially hits CTRL-S before the crash, and lets you pick up right where you left off when you reboot. The FDIC acts as the "friender" of last resort that will forgive you for your dating debts, and will help you get your life back on track.

Recall the predicament of Natalie Cooper, the woman we met earlier. She was at the point where her life was falling apart fast, though luckily she met a 55-year-old Latin dreamboat. If she weren't so lucky, certainly the FDIC would've been the perfect relief from all the pain. She would've been able to reconnect with her family and pick up where she left off, as a single beauty queen with her whole life ahead of her. When the FDIC is instituted, the heartbroken men and women of America will be guaranteed a second chance; no single guy or gal will be powerful enough to ruin your life.

But if you've already conceived a child with your hostile ex-lover, it would probably be too late to go back...

Except this is America. And if it's profitable, it's possible! Whatever happens, whether good or bad, someone will be right there trying to make money off it. 

Once the bajillionith Cash-For-Gold business opened, the value of gold had reached its peak and subsequently began its decline. So then what are the business operators going to do with all that gold? Start the new capitalist fad, 'The Baby Boom'!

 

Language Lesson Pt.2: What To Say When Things Get Awkward

Time for our next Language Lesson. OK, before you moan and groan, remember that reading these posts (and doing the required homework!) will help you greatly in everyday life. Why? How? Because everything you do in daily life involves communication and language. You can't just go stomping into the donut shop after school, then grunt at the clerk and expect them to know what donut you want. You have to learn how to say, "Hello. I'd like a donut please." These Language Lessons will instill in you the linguistic sophistication that will let you smooth-talk your way into a free donut! 

Just remember: there are millions of words out there but really only so many possible configurations. So essentially, you can learn a handful of buzzwords, cliches, and phrases and just keep recycling them throughout your life. And you'll actually come off as charming and witty! Just imagine yourself as an actor, preparing for the role as a "real cool guy or gal". Learn your lines here on this site, and go use them out the world!

Adjusting the Awkwardness

People often say to me, 'You know, you're quite an odd guy. But for such a weirdo, you never seem uncomfortable or socially awkward. What's up with that?'

Thanks for the compliment! Obviously, I was blessed with a certain social grace, savoir-faire as they say in France. As a self-actualized, high-level thinker, I've evolved far beyond certain unflattering social traits of simpletons. Most folks have a propensity to ostracize and witch-hunt anyone that doesn't fall in line with their groupthink, which is a game I don't play. Some of the conversational games I do like to play include: rhyming everything the other person says, speaking only in puns, funny voices, and saying things I don't mean. But I'm never "awkward guy". You don't need to constantly come of as "uber-cool" and "trending" to be a good socializer, you only need basic manners and a few pre-scripted phrases.

That doesn't mean I don't recognize awkwardness when it occurs. I just don't let it get the best of me. And if I see someone else beginning to feel awkward, I'm great at sympathetically changing the subject so the situation is hunky dory again.

But sometimes situations are not awkward enough. That seems a bit subversive, but remember: life is all about entertaining yourself, by any means necessary. And since people have such thin skin when it comes to awkward social situations, you might as well give them bruises! 

Here are some examples, denoted by a color-coded Awkwardness Alert Level.

Example 1: Making it less awkward, reassuring and relating to the other person.

The premise is simple, and could be almost anything. Suppose you're at work or at the supermarket and somebody stumbles or falls, or maybe they drop something. It happens to everyone. And because of this fact, if you don't say anything, it can be awkward. Your silence allows shame to grow like a fungus in the other person's mind. This is why you should say something charming like:

"Whoops. There's one for the blooper reel!"
Awkwardness Alert Level: Cool

That is such a witty phrase; obviously, I invented it and I use it every chance I get. Like all great phrases, it references pop culture and makes everyone think of hilarious blooper reels, where even the stars goof up. After you say this, you and the other party will share a hearty chuckle and it'll be a good time.

Example 2: America, this is you!

Same situation as No.1 except you want to make it more awkward!

[Imagine yourself as Bob Saget hosting America's Funniest Home Videos. Re-enact what just happened to the other person; use sound effects and a high-pitched voice to do a play-by-play.] 

"Oh I'm just gonna walk into this.. OHH! SPLAT! CRUNCH!" 

[Back in the Bob Saget voice, holding an imaginary mic, and looking at an imaginary camera]

"Wow. That was brutal! And now our studio audience will vote on the most embarrassing moment. Do you want guy getting hit in the nuts, or (whatever just happened). Use the devices on your seats to lock in your votes"

[Use your hands to do a furious drum roll on any hard surface around you. If none is available, drum on the person who is having a hard time]

"And our winner is... You! You're our winner! Congratulations! The most embarrassing moment ever! We've got laughs from coast to coast..." 

[Continue singing the America's Funniest Home Videos theme song, shake the person's hand, and wave to the imaginary camera]

Awkwardness Alert Level: High. Incredibly uncomfortable. 


Example 3: It's so hard to say goodbye.

The supermarket can be an awkward place to run into someone, because no one is usually in a social mood--everyone's in survival mood, pillaging the shelves for the Cracker Jacks and Beenie Weenies that their bodies so desperately crave. When animals feast on a carcass or a bag of trash, they don't feel the obligation to say hello to one another in the name of social etiquette. And we're supposed to be the civilized ones?

Anyhow, what makes a grocery store social encounter more awkward is the wide array of acquaintances you'll potentially see. These are people you barely know, hardly can stand, and haven't seen in ages. Plus, sometimes seeing certain people in a different context can be horribly traumatizing. For instance, if you recognize a waiter or waitress away from their job--FREAKY! It's like, what the hell do you think you're doing outside of your exclusive context? When I leave the restaurant, you're supposed to stay until I come back!

The bottom line is, you need to speak to the person to rid the situation of the awkward air. But it doesn't take to long to empty your barrel of small talk, and that's when it's time to part and go about your business. Often times people get stuck in a stuttering and stammering fit of goodbyes. As soon as you get a "goodbye" off, the other person goes back starts a new topic--or worse--says, "Let's hang out."

But don't worry, you can end it all with a swift physical motion.

Step 1: Smile and take a step back. Say, "OK. Bye!"
Step 2: Wave goodbye. Be sure to completely eclipse the person's face.
Step 3: Now that you can't see the person's eyes, extend your arm all the way, while simultaneously pivoting your body 180° in the other direction. Walk away. Don't look back. 

It's like pushing the person away without touching them.

Awkwardness Alert Level: Cool. Cooler than the frozen aisle! That reminds me, I need some popsicles! 

Example 4: It's so hard to say goodbye again.

But sometimes you see the person in the same place, just a few minutes later again... Uhhhh... Ahh shit...

A common custom is to act like you don't see the person, but this is so obvious--you may as well just yell at them, "Fuck you! Don't wanna talk to you! Screw you!" But we're better than that, so acknowledge the person again and try a few of these phrases:

"Wow! Every time I come here I see you! What do ya live here?"

"Anything new? Haa! Hope not! I just saw you! If you're life was so fast-paced that it could change in a matter of minutes then you might need to slooooow the hell down, you know what I'm saying? It's like, hang on Hollywood! Just relax and smell the roses. Whoo! Well, I gotta go! See ya!"
(This line works best if you act a little like Kathy Griffin and enunciate the consonants so hard that you spit and sort of run out of breath.)

"We gotta stop seeing each other like this." (This one is actually pretty lame unless you do this gesture.)

Awkwardness Alert Level: Lightly awkward. It is what it is. 


Example 5: The internet, a perfect ice-breaker.

You will need a smartphone or tablet for this trick or for anything in life that's worthwhile. Suppose you're at a party where you know most of the people well enough to be Facebook friends, but not well enough to just call out of the blue. This means you can expect some difficulty as you try to carry a conversation. Good, comfortable convos flow like a pro basketball team smoothly passing around the ball, but if you're not in the starting lineup, small talk is like passing around a boulder. Ouch! 

Well here's a slam dunk into friendship. During a moment when no one is speaking to you, do some Googling on your phone. You can find some facts on Wikipedia or any sort of randomness on Reddit, but funny pictures work the best. As you operate your smartphone, your body language will communicate that you are a tech-savvy, trendsetting young person. Wait until you catch someone's eye and then show them what you're looking at. You'll share a laugh and before you know it, a conversation erupts and goes viral. You bring other people into it, and then everybody will click different "links", which will change the topic. It's just like surfing the web! When the conversation slows down, get back on your phone and find a new meme. That's how you communicate. What would you do without the internet?

Awkwardness Alert Level: Cool, you're cool and you broke the ice!

Example 6: Anything you say can be used against you.

Or maybe you want to go the other way and turn the party into an awkward catastrophe. Try this: open up the Facebook profiles of the semi-strangers on your phone or tablet. Now break down their wall! You should dig really deep, find some of the oldest comments or statuses they have and go read them aloud, directly to that person. Confront them verbally with their personal Facebook data. I mean, get all in their face and scrutinize them about their digital footprint; ask questions about their pictures and the context of their conversations, especially when you don't know the other people involved. 

Even though these socialites have made all this information public, they will feel so self-conscious and creeped out by you "re-tweeting" their info that they'll want to drop dead right at the party. That's why this is such an intriguing and exciting social experiment. It's like introducing a real person to their fake Facebook self; worlds collide, cognitive chaos ensues! Their egos will go completely haywire. It's such a strange thing to do, that nobody would ever expect, and that's why you simply must try it!

This is your chance to be a real detective and perform an interrogation. Bonus points if you act like Colombo. Here are some examples:

"Who's in this picture with you? Is that your mom? Is she pissed off in this picture or does she always scowl?"

"In June of 2011 you told Brandy Munson that you 'hope she feels better'. What's that all about? Who's Brandy? What was wrong with her? Did... Did she die?"

"It says here that you were 'so beat' after working a 10-hour shift, but looking forward but looking forward to going to Myrtle Beach that week. Wow that must've been cool!"

"According to your Facebook page you 'like' A&W Restaurant. Me too! I like their hot dogs! High five!" 
[Offer to high-five them, don't give up until they give in]

Awkwardness Alert Level: EXTREME! You are creating social havoc!

Example 7: Dodging the risque subjects

Sometimes in a multi-person conversation, topics are brought up without any regard to the sensitivity of others. If you know one of the people involved are going through a break-up or death of a loved one, you must avoid metaphors that refer to these unfortunate traumas. That's why the phrase "I would slaughter my whole family to hook up with her" should not be in your repertoire, if you have an ounce of class. One of your friends' girlfriends may have just dumped them for a mass murderer. You never know.

Here's another common conversational gaff: say you have fairly-conservative parents and you introduce them to your new boyfriend or girlfriend. So you're out at dinner having a good time, then out of nowhere, your significant other starts talking about obscene sexual details. They start spouting off about what gets them hot, what they've tried with their ex, what they've put where. Uhh. Not in front of my mom!

So when you feel the conversation slipping that way, there's a perfect segue you can use every time.

"So how much do you guys LOVE Arthur?!"

Arthur Read, the aardvark. That's right, from the PBS show and the children's book. There's absolutely nothing offensive or sexually-threatening about Arthur, his family, or his friends. Just share your favorite memory about Arthur and ask the others for theirs. Now the conversation has been re-calibrated for optimum wholesome integrity. 

Coincidentally, "Arthur Read" just happens to be very popular safe word for couples that enjoy rough, aggressive sexual activities. Of course, if they're always shouting "Arthur Read!", they probably don't enjoy those activities that much.

Awkwardness Alert Level: Cool, everything's peachy!

Example 8: Attention-grabbing hand gestures.

Hey fellas, next time you're talking to a pretty lady, and you want to hit the self-destruct button, all you have to do is make an emphatic and sexually-suggestive grabbing motion with your hands. It's that simple, it doesn't matter what you say verbally. Women will freak out over this 100% of the time.

The Creep-O-Meter demo reminds me of this hilarious commercial from the late-80s.

 Oh how I laughed and laughed as a young boy when this ad came on TV.

(Disclaimer: Although sexual harassment is no laughing matter, there is something inescapably funny about a woman shrinking.)

Awkwardness Alert Level: EXTREME! You're gonna get pepper-sprayed!

That is all for this Language Lesson. As you've noticed, many of these items focused heavily on body language; nonverbal communication, it turns out, is even more important than the words we use. So next time you open your mouth, remember to uncross your arms so your friends will truly understand what you're talking about. It also never hurts to point directly at the person you're speaking to, the entire time you're talking. It makes them feel special.