Just remember: there are millions of words out there but really only so many possible configurations. So essentially, you can learn a handful of buzzwords, cliches, and phrases and just keep recycling them throughout your life. And you'll actually come off as charming and witty! Just imagine yourself as an actor, preparing for the role as a "real cool guy or gal". Learn your lines here on this site, and go use them out the world!
Adjusting the Awkwardness
People often say to me, 'You know, you're quite an odd guy. But for such a weirdo, you never seem uncomfortable or socially awkward. What's up with that?'
Thanks for the compliment! Obviously, I was blessed with a certain social grace, savoir-faire as they say in France. As a self-actualized, high-level thinker, I've evolved far beyond certain unflattering social traits of simpletons. Most folks have a propensity to ostracize and witch-hunt anyone that doesn't fall in line with their groupthink, which is a game I don't play. Some of the conversational games I do like to play include: rhyming everything the other person says, speaking only in puns, funny voices, and saying things I don't mean. But I'm never "awkward guy". You don't need to constantly come of as "uber-cool" and "trending" to be a good socializer, you only need basic manners and a few pre-scripted phrases.
That doesn't mean I don't recognize awkwardness when it occurs. I just don't let it get the best of me. And if I see someone else beginning to feel awkward, I'm great at sympathetically changing the subject so the situation is hunky dory again.
But sometimes situations are not awkward enough. That seems a bit subversive, but remember: life is all about entertaining yourself, by any means necessary. And since people have such thin skin when it comes to awkward social situations, you might as well give them bruises!
Here are some examples, denoted by a color-coded Awkwardness Alert Level.
Example 1: Making it less awkward, reassuring and relating to the other person.
The premise is simple, and could be almost anything. Suppose you're at work or at the supermarket and somebody stumbles or falls, or maybe they drop something. It happens to everyone. And because of this fact, if you don't say anything, it can be awkward. Your silence allows shame to grow like a fungus in the other person's mind. This is why you should say something charming like:
"Whoops. There's one for the blooper reel!"
Awkwardness Alert Level: Cool
That is such a witty phrase; obviously, I invented it and I use it every chance I get. Like all great phrases, it references pop culture and makes everyone think of hilarious blooper reels, where even the stars goof up. After you say this, you and the other party will share a hearty chuckle and it'll be a good time.
Example 2: America, this is you!
Same situation as No.1 except you want to make it more awkward!
[Imagine yourself as Bob Saget hosting America's Funniest Home Videos. Re-enact what just happened to the other person; use sound effects and a high-pitched voice to do a play-by-play.]
"Oh I'm just gonna walk into this.. OHH! SPLAT! CRUNCH!"
[Back in the Bob Saget voice, holding an imaginary mic, and looking at an imaginary camera]
"Wow. That was brutal! And now our studio audience will vote on the most embarrassing moment. Do you want guy getting hit in the nuts, or (whatever just happened). Use the devices on your seats to lock in your votes"
[Use your hands to do a furious drum roll on any hard surface around you. If none is available, drum on the person who is having a hard time]
"And our winner is... You! You're our winner! Congratulations! The most embarrassing moment ever! We've got laughs from coast to coast..."
[Continue singing the America's Funniest Home Videos theme song, shake the person's hand, and wave to the imaginary camera]
Example 3: It's so hard to say goodbye.
The supermarket can be an awkward place to run into someone, because no one is usually in a social mood--everyone's in survival mood, pillaging the shelves for the Cracker Jacks and Beenie Weenies that their bodies so desperately crave. When animals feast on a carcass or a bag of trash, they don't feel the obligation to say hello to one another in the name of social etiquette. And we're supposed to be the civilized ones?
Anyhow, what makes a grocery store social encounter more awkward is the wide array of acquaintances you'll potentially see. These are people you barely know, hardly can stand, and haven't seen in ages. Plus, sometimes seeing certain people in a different context can be horribly traumatizing. For instance, if you recognize a waiter or waitress away from their job--FREAKY! It's like, what the hell do you think you're doing outside of your exclusive context? When I leave the restaurant, you're supposed to stay until I come back!
The bottom line is, you need to speak to the person to rid the situation of the awkward air. But it doesn't take to long to empty your barrel of small talk, and that's when it's time to part and go about your business. Often times people get stuck in a stuttering and stammering fit of goodbyes. As soon as you get a "goodbye" off, the other person goes back starts a new topic--or worse--says, "Let's hang out."
But don't worry, you can end it all with a swift physical motion.
Step 2: Wave goodbye. Be sure to completely eclipse the person's face.
Step 3: Now that you can't see the person's eyes, extend your arm all the way, while simultaneously pivoting your body 180° in the other direction. Walk away. Don't look back.
It's like pushing the person away without touching them.
Awkwardness Alert Level: Cool. Cooler than the frozen aisle! That reminds me, I need some popsicles!
Example 4: It's so hard to say goodbye again.
But sometimes you see the person in the same place, just a few minutes later again... Uhhhh... Ahh shit...
A common custom is to act like you don't see the person, but this is so obvious--you may as well just yell at them, "Fuck you! Don't wanna talk to you! Screw you!" But we're better than that, so acknowledge the person again and try a few of these phrases:
"Wow! Every time I come here I see you! What do ya live here?"
"Anything new? Haa! Hope not! I just saw you! If you're life was so fast-paced that it could change in a matter of minutes then you might need to slooooow the hell down, you know what I'm saying? It's like, hang on Hollywood! Just relax and smell the roses. Whoo! Well, I gotta go! See ya!"
(This line works best if you act a little like Kathy Griffin and enunciate the consonants so hard that you spit and sort of run out of breath.)
"We gotta stop seeing each other like this." (This one is actually pretty lame unless you do this gesture.)
Example 5: The internet, a perfect ice-breaker.
You will need a smartphone or tablet for this trick or for anything in life that's worthwhile. Suppose you're at a party where you know most of the people well enough to be Facebook friends, but not well enough to just call out of the blue. This means you can expect some difficulty as you try to carry a conversation. Good, comfortable convos flow like a pro basketball team smoothly passing around the ball, but if you're not in the starting lineup, small talk is like passing around a boulder. Ouch!
Well here's a slam dunk into friendship. During a moment when no one is speaking to you, do some Googling on your phone. You can find some facts on Wikipedia or any sort of randomness on Reddit, but funny pictures work the best. As you operate your smartphone, your body language will communicate that you are a tech-savvy, trendsetting young person. Wait until you catch someone's eye and then show them what you're looking at. You'll share a laugh and before you know it, a conversation erupts and goes viral. You bring other people into it, and then everybody will click different "links", which will change the topic. It's just like surfing the web! When the conversation slows down, get back on your phone and find a new meme. That's how you communicate. What would you do without the internet?
Awkwardness Alert Level: Cool, you're cool and you broke the ice!
Example 6: Anything you say can be used against you.
Or maybe you want to go the other way and turn the party into an awkward catastrophe. Try this: open up the Facebook profiles of the semi-strangers on your phone or tablet. Now break down their wall! You should dig really deep, find some of the oldest comments or statuses they have and go read them aloud, directly to that person. Confront them verbally with their personal Facebook data. I mean, get all in their face and scrutinize them about their digital footprint; ask questions about their pictures and the context of their conversations, especially when you don't know the other people involved.
Even though these socialites have made all this information public, they will feel so self-conscious and creeped out by you "re-tweeting" their info that they'll want to drop dead right at the party. That's why this is such an intriguing and exciting social experiment. It's like introducing a real person to their fake Facebook self; worlds collide, cognitive chaos ensues! Their egos will go completely haywire. It's such a strange thing to do, that nobody would ever expect, and that's why you simply must try it!
"Who's in this picture with you? Is that your mom? Is she pissed off in this picture or does she always scowl?"
"In June of 2011 you told Brandy Munson that you 'hope she feels better'. What's that all about? Who's Brandy? What was wrong with her? Did... Did she die?"
"It says here that you were 'so beat' after working a 10-hour shift, but looking forward but looking forward to going to Myrtle Beach that week. Wow that must've been cool!"
"According to your Facebook page you 'like' A&W Restaurant. Me too! I like their hot dogs! High five!"
[Offer to high-five them, don't give up until they give in]
Awkwardness Alert Level: EXTREME! You are creating social havoc!
Example 7: Dodging the risque subjects
Sometimes in a multi-person conversation, topics are brought up without any regard to the sensitivity of others. If you know one of the people involved are going through a break-up or death of a loved one, you must avoid metaphors that refer to these unfortunate traumas. That's why the phrase "I would slaughter my whole family to hook up with her" should not be in your repertoire, if you have an ounce of class. One of your friends' girlfriends may have just dumped them for a mass murderer. You never know.
Here's another common conversational gaff: say you have fairly-conservative parents and you introduce them to your new boyfriend or girlfriend. So you're out at dinner having a good time, then out of nowhere, your significant other starts talking about obscene sexual details. They start spouting off about what gets them hot, what they've tried with their ex, what they've put where. Uhh. Not in front of my mom!
So when you feel the conversation slipping that way, there's a perfect segue you can use every time.
Arthur Read, the aardvark. That's right, from the PBS show and the children's book. There's absolutely nothing offensive or sexually-threatening about Arthur, his family, or his friends. Just share your favorite memory about Arthur and ask the others for theirs. Now the conversation has been re-calibrated for optimum wholesome integrity.
Coincidentally, "Arthur Read" just happens to be very popular safe word for couples that enjoy rough, aggressive sexual activities. Of course, if they're always shouting "Arthur Read!", they probably don't enjoy those activities that much.
Awkwardness Alert Level: Cool, everything's peachy!
Example 8: Attention-grabbing hand gestures.
Hey fellas, next time you're talking to a pretty lady, and you want to hit the self-destruct button, all you have to do is make an emphatic and sexually-suggestive grabbing motion with your hands. It's that simple, it doesn't matter what you say verbally. Women will freak out over this 100% of the time.
The Creep-O-Meter demo reminds me of this hilarious commercial from the late-80s.
Oh how I laughed and laughed as a young boy when this ad came on TV.
(Disclaimer: Although sexual harassment is no laughing matter, there is something inescapably funny about a woman shrinking.)
Awkwardness Alert Level: EXTREME! You're gonna get pepper-sprayed!
That is all for this Language Lesson. As you've noticed, many of these items focused heavily on body language; nonverbal communication, it turns out, is even more important than the words we use. So next time you open your mouth, remember to uncross your arms so your friends will truly understand what you're talking about. It also never hurts to point directly at the person you're speaking to, the entire time you're talking. It makes them feel special.
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