Talking Relationshits: How The Gays Are Destroying Marriage But Saving Love

I hope you all had a nice Valentine's Day. No I don't. If you happen to be in love with who you think is "the most wonderful man/woman in the world", congratulations! Not. No one cares. And if you're all alone on this Valentine's Day, you are the saddest person in the world. You are the only one that has nobody. But either way, get over it. This post is not about you, it's a highly analytical guide to the varieties of modern relationships, as well as an evaluation of how they evolved/devolved. Also, what does the future hold? Will love still be relevant in the 21st century? Or should you throw it out the window along with your CDs and AOL Trial discs?

In a nutshell, I am hypothesizing that men and women are becoming so psychologically different, it's become incredibly difficult to maintain a relationship anymore. Despite the perfect genital compatibility, it seems as if evolution is at a fork in the road, taking men down one side and women down the other. But this is not hellish Darwinian mischief, it is God's plan. Don't you remember how the different languages were created? Motherfuckers were messing around, trying to build a tower that lead up into heaven, and God was all like "Ah hell nah! Get up outta my shit!"--and BOOM!--just like that, everybody started speaking different languages and they could no longer communicate; damn sure couldn't collaborate on no tower.

I think that's what's going on in here

From the Holy Bible, The Book of Bruce 7:10: 

The Italian worker said to the Chinese man, "Please-a bringa me the hammer from my Mama Mia!". But the Chinese man shook his head furiously, not understanding his request. The plan fell apart completely.

The over-affectionate Italian began to make everyone that wasn't from South Europe very uncomfortable. They developed a serious aversion to his male-on-male kisses, even though they were sincere and nonsexual. The other cultures vowed to condemn this behavior for several centuries. And most of them were down to scrap or go to war, just about any time.

It was the beginning of xenophobia and homophobia, and a precedent to today's gender-centric cultural schism. Of course we could go back even further, to when Men and Women first came to Earth from Mars and Venus, respectively. But we're better off fast forwarding to today.



In a same-sex dance, who's supposed to lead?

Observe any dance party in the United States. In the jungle of beer cans and glow sticks, you'll find a plethora of heterosexual women dancing with other heterosexual women. It's sort of a counterintuitive mating call; groups of young, tempting sirens bump and grind with one another, a sexually suggestive act that most young men consider to be arousing. Yet there's another implication in this dance. Modern, hypersensitive women have an exaggerated sense of fear and discomfort when it comes to males, whom they refer to as "creepers". Masculinity is very threatening to the young women, so the girl-on-girl dance offers a palpable sense of security. Surely, if they were that insecure, the girls could just stay home, but then nobody would see how hot they were.

Not to be outdone, the young men of today's dance parties frequently engage in homoerotic displays. Under the guise of irony, the goofy guys mockingly dance with one another in a silly, yet still aggressive manner. Unlike the girl-on-girl dance, this would not be considered a mating call. In fact, ironic male-on-male dancing is a flat out girl repellant. Ironically, sincerely gay male-on-male dancing is more likely to lead to sex with a female. Do you see how twisted the psychology is here?

When my grandparents were growing up, men danced with women. Then they married them. Then they impregnated them. Then they divorced them.

Unfortunately, kids these days only want to rebel against pappaw and meemaw, they no longer want to follow in their footsteps. This is a major problem for society, that kids don't see their grandparents as sex symbols; it's a damn shame. When you take a look at the sicko superstars that today's kids admire, it's no wonder why their developing minds are growing all warped and twisted.

Justin Bieber

Lady Gaga

Seriously, who's who? Who's gay? Who's straight? Who's really a dude? You really can't make heads or tails of it anymore--or should I say--you can't really make penises or vaginas of it anymore. Society is just one big pansexual swing party; anything goes in Obama's America. By the way, I don't see why people are so attracted to Justin Bieber, she's hardly got any boobs.  

Comparing Couples: Grandparents vs The Gays

Now let's examine the two most prominent relationship paradigms; we'll consider their internal happiness, cultural context, and those cute little inside jokes and nicknames that all couples have. (That's why it's so fun to be in a relationship, because only the two of you can share those special moments!) 

Grandparents

They may not be getting laid, but they're definitely getting loud. Grandparents love to yell ferociously about how much better the old days were. Their only passion or common interest tends to be hatred for other types of people. It is fair to speculate that they don't have very much sex in their old age; this is quite understandable. Would you want to eat the same thing every day for the rest of your life? OK maybe, if it was fresh every day. But in this analogy, not only is it the same food everyday, it only gets more and more stale and rotten and wrinkly as time goes on. 

The Gays

They live to love and they're dying to get married. The grandparents of the world have politely asked them to drop the whole idea, but that's a no-go with the homos. According to the grand logic of the grandparents, their sacred marriage loses its value entirely if gay folks are just allowed marry each other. They feel the same way about their houses when a black family moves into their neighborhood.

But do gays need marriage? Of course not, but it turns out that marriage needs gay people. And it's not just because a quaint, flowery wedding is the gayest thing in the world. It's because marriage is a stupid archaic concept that's been obsolete for at least a half-a-century. The most well-known champion of marriage is Larry King, who loves it so much he's been married a dozen times. Larry King is a fine journalist, but he's actually older than Adam (as in Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve.) And everyone knows, Grandpas can't be cool!

The only way marriage can be a useful convention in the 21st century is if it allows open-minded, progressive people into its sacred little club. That's right, grandparents. No one wants your "traditional marriage". How about new marriage? That sounds faaaaaaaaabulous!

Look at what the way gay people revolutionized social networking with the Grindr app. While Facebook and online dating sites allow straight people to bullshit and beat around the bush, Grindr gives gay people straight-up GPS directions to the nearest glory hole. Such a glorious tool would never be possible for straight people, what with all the contentious man-woman politics. 

But why are homophobes so against gays, anyway? Is it the whole getting-fucked-in-the-butt thing? Well, it shows how self-righteous and shortsighted they are. Because if you think a marrying a woman is an alternative, or a way to avoid a major butt-fucking, just wait until your inevitable divorce.