The Holiest Man In Football

I heard, to be a sports journalist, all you have to do is yell. And I said, 'shit, I can yell', so NOW I'M A SPORTS JOURNALIST AND I WROTE AN ARTICLE TO GET YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL! I HOPE HANK JR'S RACIST ASS READS THIS. LET'S GO!

We live in an era where the greatest sports icon and most influential religious icon are the same man. No football player has ever been this exciting to watch or talk about. His die-hard fans positively adore him for his personal charm and wild athletic greatness. It also doesn’t hurt that they share the same beliefs. This man represents something greater than football, something greater than man. His inspirational locker-room speeches are considered to be modern gospel; his passion for football and God make him the spiritual leader of millions. And ironically, he's the back-up quarterback.

I’m speaking, of course, of Tabish Mohammed, the NFL’s first Arab-American superstar, known affectionately by his nickname, “T-Mo.” He’s the back-up QB for the Minnesota Vikings and the holiest man in football. When he takes the field, it’s absolute Must-lim-See-TV.

No one could ever forget the Monday Night Football game against the Oakland Raiders that changed sports and pop culture forever; the genesis of “T-Mo-Mania.” The Vikings were down 14-0 when Christian quarterback, Christian Ponder suffered a night-ending injury. As Ponder lay crucified on the bench, Tabish Mohammed stepped into the game and fired up the discouraged Vikings, leading a blazing crusade to victory. With erratic passes and powerful run plays, T-Mo drove his team into field-goal range five consecutive times. The Minnesota kicker was able to make the 3-point kick each time and the Vikings won the game, 15-14, in epic comeback fashion. The emotion was so high in the Metrodome that the roof collapsed and the building crumbled. Moments later, Twitter completely exploded as a result of all the T-Mo tweets. Then it rained for forty days and forty nights. It was crazy.

Allah did this shit.

Though he may not have the starting job in Minnesota, Tabish is gainfully employed, to the say the least. His speaking engagements at Mosques and Islamic community centers nationwide earn him about six figures a pop. Then there’s the endorsement deals. Mohammed is the new, stylish spokesperson for trendy clothing store, Turban Outfitters. And if you know anything about fashion, you know Air Jordans are so last season. Last Thanksgiving, stores all over the United States became raging riot zones, where mobs of frenzied shoppers trampled each other, trying to get the hot new T-Mo robe.

T-Mo does it all for the kids.

The sensationalist sports media uses hyperbole to sell the T-Mo product/lifestyle.

But despite all the love T-Mo’s been receiving, he has no shortage of detractors. Many football fundamentalists are not buying into his play style, asserting that T-Mo’s scrambling offense is not sustainable in today’s NFL. But the majority of antagonism toward Mohammed is culture-related. Critics claim that T-Mo’s overwhelming popularity is just a derivative of Islam’s overwhelming popularity in America.

Are fans just hopping on the bandwagon, the hot new trend of Islam? Are Muslims being racist by rooting for T-Mo, rather than a white quarterback? Or is Tabish Mohammed the true prophet and voice of God? It’s definitely one or the other. So for a better perspective, I talked to some of T-Mo’s fellow NFL players, as well as his fans.

Presumptive xenophobe, Aaron Rodgers says, “Tabish is getting special treatment and too much attention. I mean, I’m the league MVP, and you don’t hear people getting all excited about my religion. I’m fucking Presbyterian, by the way.”

You mad bro?

But Vikings defensive star, Jared Allen, is completely in Mohammed’s corner. “I love me some Tabish,” he offers, “Yea, I call him ‘Bro-hammed.’ And he’s the real deal, we all believe in T-Mo!”

Since T-Mo has burst into stardom, Minneapolis sports bars are suddenly booming, receiving double or triple the business. Many of them even allow women inside now. Some of them got to speak with me and answer questions about T-Mo. A Muslim woman wearing an official Vikings burka is absolutely smitten with T-Mo, exclaiming, “Tabish is my dream man! Oh how I’d love to be one of his wives!” Even a die-hard Packers fan admitted, “I’d hate to betray The Pack, but T-Mo’s just so sexy. I’d definitely take off my foam cheese hat for him. And I’d take off a whole lot more too!” Clearly, the ladies love T-Mo.

The only thing that sells better than religion is sex. T-Mo's a double whammy!

Only time will tell if Tabish Mohammed will make it to the Hall of Fame. We don’t know if the fad will fizzle out, or if T-Mo-Mania will dominate all humanity for centuries. Will his fifteen minutes of fame go into overtime? We’ll simply to have to wait to find out. Just like his style of play, Mohammed’s journey is sure to be unpredictable and sensational. A few things, however, we can all count on. On Sundays, no matter where you are in the world, you’ll be able to hear the chants, in that heinously nasal Minnesota accent, “GO! T-MO! GO! Don't cha know?” And five times a today, millions of loyal T-Mo devotees can be seen facing the Mecca, in the famous “T-Mo-ing” pose.

T-Mo's fans "T-Mo-ing"

I learned quite a bit from investigating this phenomenon. I learned how religious folks are about football, and how footballish they are about religion. I learned how pivotal social media and TV are in broadcasting the message of our messiah -- and also, for deciding who our messiah is. But most importantly, I learned that my dream girl is a football-fanatic, Arab-American woman with a Minnesota accent and a badass velvet Vikings burka. I hope one waits for me in the afterlife. And I don't need 70, just one is fine.