Epaulet's Quit With The Damn Epaulets Already

We will now be diving into a discussion of men’s fashion, and we must prepare to kill, or be killed. Our country has been under attack, and as stylish Americans, we will not fall to the tyranny of tacky clothes made in Bangladesh. How did we get here? Well, let’s start at the beginning...

World War II revived the American economy, ended Nazism -- and most importantly -- brought us dazzling fashion staples like pea coats and bomber jackets! Military influence has shown up in the fashion of every generation since WWII; details like patches and epaulets convey strength, masculinity, pride, and a very regal dignity.

In the 80s and 90s, America’s mightiest heroes took military fashion to a new foreign land: The Republic of GLAM!

Pictured above are two of my personal idols. Michael Jackson is unanimously revered worldwide, and there’s not much else I could say about the man. But I would love to take this opportunity to examine Bret “The Hitman” Hart, and why I wish I were him.

How could anyone dress that flamboyantly, and not come off the tiniest bit gay? I mean, not even a hint of homo. Seriously. Take a guy like Shawn Michaels; now, homeboy really had it going on. But he was just a touch effeminate -- which, hey -- is perfectly fine. But Bret Hart was just an ice cold killer, who was unquestioningly the straightest man to ever exist. And there he was, rocking pink tights, heart decals, and those radical shiny sunglasses.

Well now it’s 2012 and the good ‘ol days are over. Those heroes are dead (Well, Bret Hart’s not dead, but he doesn’t answer my e-mails. So...)

Many fashion designers tried to pimp out the military chic look a few years ago, then the second and third tier brands threw epaulets on their button-up shirts. They think, ‘This is a great idea! It’s trendy! Everyone wants it!’ Epaulets became the hot trend at all the big clothing stores at the mall; a couple seasons go by, and then all the discount stores are full of cheap, corny shirts with superfluous shoulder decorations. It’s just a big American embarrassment. You know exactly what I mean if you’ve ever been to a Kohl’s. Oh god, fucking Kohl’s...

Let’s talk about Kohl’s. That stupid store is like an insane asylum for bad fashion. For some reason people are always giving me $10 Kohl’s Cash coupons. “I won’t use this, you can have it. Here, take it.” It’s $10 bucks off; that’s an awesome thing -- well, at most places. But for some reason, everything at Kohl’s costs exactly $50. And all the clothes are so goddam ugly, ill-fitting, and low-quality -- with a true cost-per-wear value of under $10. So a $10-off coupon is not a savings incentive, it’s just a trap to get you to waste $40 of your own money. Please, do not shop at Kohl’s. Yes, it’s true that Marc Anthony has a clothing line there -- and I know it’s tempting to check it out -- but bro, don’t even go inside that crap-hole. 

And here’s the goddam of it all: you can’t find a single button-up shirt anymore that doesn’t have epaulets. If you’ve been shopping lately, you know! The overkill is what makes epaulets a fashion no-no; you know I was rocking them things a few years ago. But now, why do they have to be on every shirt? I mean, why even waste the stitching and material? Are the brands just trying to get their moneys worth from all those South Pacific child workers?

I have so many questions, and I believe the answer lies in a horrible conspiracy. They want us all to wear epaulets. It’s the goal of the secret fashion illuminati corporate-clothing complex. They want all us common serfs and peasants to wear the same uniform: drab and pathetic button-ups that are so boxy, they seem like they were made to fit a fucking octagon. But the military style is dominating and pervasive; we have no choice, no other way to dress. Under the imperious rule of the crude clothiers, we are nothing but a servile army of fashion victims.

I made this fashion guide for you to take to the store. Print it out and get it laminated, then consult it as you shop for a shirt. But don't let them see you with this! And please don't tell them where you got it!

A Side Note: Is Historical Repeating?

The epaulet blitz is emblematic of what the corny corporate clothing machine has done through history, and will continue to do: try way too hard, but at the same time, insult the intelligence of the consumers. That's why you see stuff in the store that makes you go, "Really?", whether or not you're the type of person that likes to say, "Really?"

It reminds me of the late-mid-90s, which is when the decade started to decline from its greatness. Do you remember when the sagging pants thing first started? All the young boys were doing this.

Everyone wanted to be Baggin' Saggin' Barry, with their giant Jncos. So when the trend started to get a lot of attention, retail marketers thought they had the youth market pinned down, with their pants down. They thought they knew exactly what to sell them. It would be kid-tested, yet mom-approved.

When I bring this up in conversation, I don't think anyone knows what I'm talking about. They think I'm lying. But around 1998 -- I swear to God -- JC Penney's (or a similar store) was selling baggy pants with -- no shit -- the upper portion of boxer shorts sewn into the top! I suppose it must've been so the kid can look cool and fit in, without technically sagging. Faux-sag, faux real, y'all! I couldn't find anything on the internet about this, which defeats the purpose of the internet. Now I don't know what the hell to do.