If I would’ve come up with this idea like a week or so earlier, I would’ve entered the Mule Day Liars Contest. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s an event in which contestants tell farfetched tales -- usually about farm life or rural goings-on -- at Columbia, TN’s annual Mule Day festival. I’ve never been to one, but I sure enough love to tell bullshit stories, so it’s one of the little goals on the mundane edition of my bucket list. More than most of my typical babble, this story may or may not fit the wholesome, homegrown humor Mule Day patrons are comfortable with.
Ok, please picture me telling this story on a stage in front of, oh say, 146 people. Account for the obvious applause and laughter breaks. Then interweave the flashback of the actual story transpiring, and of course you should picture those scenes coated in a dreamlike haze. Otherwise this shit’s not going to make any sense.
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Ok first thing y’all gotta know about me is: I’m straight, I’m not gay, and I like women. Yea I know this here’s a liars contest, but that ain’t a lie! But let me tell you ‘bout something that went down when me and a bunch of friends went down to the lake one night.
There was around nine of us all together, and a couple of them I didn’t know, but I was friends with them on Myspace. Anyways, we were drinking Coors and smoking weed and shit -- then one of the guys says, “Hey let’s skinny dip!”
I go, “The hell you say! We ain’t doing that!”
He was talking crazy, but thing was, the girls were all like, ‘Hell yeah!’ and I was like, ‘Damn!’
So it’s like four chicks and they’re pretty hot. And they’re giggling and whispering, then they strip down, but not all the way. They’re covering up with their hands, and me and the boys are like, ‘This is bullshit.’
One of the girl says, “Only way we’re gettin’ nekkid is if you all strip first and chug another beer outside the water.” Then the girls jumped in the water, laughing their ass off. It sucked, but at least we were gonna see some boobs.
There we were, five guys in the buff drinking as fast as we could. All I kept thinking was, “Don’t get hard. Don’t get hard. Don’t. Get. Hard.”
And basically what happened next was, you know, we jump in; we’re all just cutting up, checking each other out. I’m trying to hook up with one of the girls, but she used to date one of the dudes. So he’s totally trying to cock-block -- can I say cock? -- he’s trying to wiener-block me. Next thing I know, almost everybody’s running out of the lake and grabbing their clothes and running off. I’m like, “Dude, what is it a shark?”
Sons-of-bitches ran the hell off with all our clothes! All I noticed at first was them kind of laughing and hurrying off. Then it’s just me and these two ex-lovers, and they don’t see jack cause they’re too busy freakin’ making out! So I get on out and see that, yup, they got my clothes. But they left the girl’s dress, and I found out later that they left it cause they didn’t want to totally screw over their friend. Oh no that’d be too mean.
So this dress -- it’s one of them spaghetti strap, fine jersey numbers, and like with a stripe print -- it’s pretty skanky. I don’t say nothing to the two in the water, and they ain’t paying attention no ways. I’m just looking back and forth at them and the dress, it’s like ‘fight or flight’ time. And it was a good thing I drove myself there -- cause y’all -- I put on that dang dress and ran like a maniac to my truck. (Pause here for, presumably, the loudest laughter/applause break of the whole show.) And I ain’t the kind of guy that’s into that stuff, wearing a dress. But I was gonna cover my naked behind, it didn’t matter if I looked like some kind of fruity hoochie on the way home.
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And I’d like to end my story with a badass mic drop, like something Kenny Powers would do. It’d give it that “Yea obviously I just blew y’all’s minds” type of punctuation. But I think the vibe would probably be way too nice and cheerful, I don’t really need to take it there. But I want to do a dramatic mic drop, one of these days. But I mean, sweet story, right?
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