Government Mandated Dating: A New Public Option For Meeting Singles

The War of the Sexes and the battle between Big Government vs Small Government are poised to converge over one controversial issue: Government-mandated dating. A proposed system would obligate single men and women to enroll in a dating database that would pair them up with state-approved suitors. The plan is known by the name Date.gov, which will soon be the web address for America's taxpayer-funded public option for online dating. Depending on who you ask, this is either a fascist annihilation of a sacred and "unflawed" dating tradition, or a springboard to an egalitarian society where everyone has a fair shot at true love. The true, practical and objective question is: will Big Brother be any good at matchmaking? 

President Obama's Affordable Healthcare Act seemed to open the floodgates for new Government programs that affect our lives in unprecedented ways. Although the Healthcare legislation and the dating mandate plan are both intended to improve the lives of Americans, they also incite major skepticism. Questions are raised about the effectiveness and integrity of the programs (Aren't Government-run services always inferior and wasteful?) as well as the philosophical virtue of Federal regulation (Is the Government suppressing liberty by telling us who to date?)

Americans have picked their own mates for almost 2½ centuries, why is now the time to change? And isn't this a throwback to the days of forced, arranged marriages and authoritarian government? Nobody likes it when their parents tells them who they can or can't date, and presumably, same goes for Uncle Sam.

New York congressman, Anthony Weiner, a major advocate of Government matchmaking, offers this official statement on his Twitter account:

The truth is the Government is never going to make you date anybody, so don't get all freaked out. And of course the Government would NEVER tell two people they couldn't be together! So perhaps love should be considered a public good, which would behoove the Government to facilitate it to its taxpayers. After all, shouldn't something as socially-centric as dating actually be socialized?

But far to the other side of the issue, there's libertarian leader and former Congressman, Ru Paul. While Paul is obviously antagonistic toward any type of Government activity, he truly knows sexuality inside and out.

There you have a summary of the political debate over the Government Dating proposal, but these polarized accounts do nothing to inform Americans of the actual issue. Believe it or not, there's more to relationships than just bickering. So to shed light on the factual conditions of the Matchmaking rollout, let's examine the history of its development and implementation strategy.

Rich guys really do get all the chicks!

You Had Me At 'Hello' - The History of Date.Gov

When Al Gore invented the internet in the early 1990s, President Bill Clinton's top priority was to cultivate the new technology to become a venue for meeting women. Even as an early concept, the internet has always been intended to be nothing but a virtual bar, a la picking up women and playing online poker. As the US Government worked on perfecting a viable online dating infrastructure, the internet evolved over the years into a platform with many more uses, most of which did not result in scoring with babes.

As is usually the case with American innovation, the technology is created by a Government institution and enhanced (read: commercialized) by business entrepreneurs. Companies like Match.com and eHarmony may have made significant progress with online matchmaking, but obviously the shareholders profited more than any average Joe or Joann looking for love. Privatized online dating sites boast about all the relationships and marriages they create, while omitting the ugliest detail: that they lead to even more breakups and divorces. Nothing about dating websites is ever as good as it claims to be.  

The next big stride for matchmaking technology came just two years ago, not from professionals in Silicon Valley, but from a student at the University of Massachusetts. Chris Smekhov, a 24-year-old Computer Science major and former virgin, was able to create an advanced algorithm that mathematically pairs up students using their Student ID numbers. Most college students meet each other through common interests, but this is a dead-end street when it comes to Computer Science majors, who are almost always socially-inept beta-males. It's understandable that these young men would devote their time to any sort of technical wizardry (or deception) that could get them a date.  

Smekhov never made too many UMass keg-party appearances, but by way of his job at he Student Registration office, plenty of students got to meet him and immediately forget about him. When he wasn't making ID badges and processing data, he would spend long, late-night hours cooped up in the computer lab. This was reportedly an unsettling scene for students and faculty that would pass by and look into the dark room; Smekhov's stick-figure frame enshrouded by darkness, only two milky eyes illuminated by the glow of the monitor. Suspicions arose that he was crunching more than numbers in there. But Chris Smekhov's hard work resulted in the state-of-the-art algorithm that, probably by no accident, paired him up the girl of his dreams. With the help of his Comp Science colleagues, Smekhov developed a smartphone app, YouMassAss, which repeated the function for hundreds of students who hopped right on the tech bandwagon. 

"I couldn't believe how quick it caught on!," Smekhov tells us. "Our generation is so tech-obsessed, they're just waiting for the next innovation that will make life more convenient and less complex. Everybody wants to hook up! We just want to avoid most of the preliminary human interaction. Just like we don't want to physically go to the bank, apply for a job, make a phone call, buy something at the store, go to a classroom, or rent a video."  

The US Government just happened to catch wind of Smekhov's app early on, and promptly bought the rights to the patent. This is standard procedure in the tech-business world, which is why the Government needed to catch up and finally make a wise investment. The Big Business monopoly of online dating was a few keystrokes away from being challenged by a public option.

When Love Comes To Town - The Implementation of Socialized Dating

A national dating pool is a colossal undertaking, so as the Government prepared for a large-scale rollout, a few localized test markets were established. For more information on this process, we were able to speak with Deb Barthsgaard, a lead director of the Government's marketing department--which, isn't it weird that the Government has a marketing department? It's also weird that Deb is not short for "Deborah", and damn sure not "Debbie". When you call her "Debbie", the interview ends.

Deb Barthsgaard
Assistant Director of Marketing - US Federal Government

"We determined that Unemployment Offices were the key to success.", Barthsgaard says, marking the first time that phrase has been ever used. Deb continues, "People are always registering and keeping correspondence with the office, they have no choice. So why not just use the unemployed as guinea pigs for this experiment? So for all intents and purposes, we've converted select Unemployed Offices into dating centers."

They changed the logo to look like Urban Outfitters, and put an Instagram-style filter on this picture.
Look how not-depressing it looks!

It turned out to be quite pragmatic and a smooth transition; the change only meant claimants filled out a few extra questions and checked a few extra boxes. Then when they receive their checks, it's got an even more exciting number on it, a phone number.

When you consider that over 40% of men and women meet their spouse at work, it makes perfect sense why Unemployment Offices should offer a dating service. If you don't have a job, how can you strike up a flirtatious rapport with a co-worker? And how can you develop that rapport into a tennis match of winks and longing glances? Then how do you harvest that sexual tension into a game of exponentially-erotic physical touches and deep conversations where you really, I mean really get to know the person, before going to bed with them and ipso facto entering a committed relationship? Unemployed people deserve the same opportunities. When you get laid off, you don't need to get a new job, you need to get laid. You just had a damn job.

Take a look at some of the couples that the Government has brought together, then decide for yourself if this will be a positive social program in the future.

Natalie & Juan "The Leopard" Alvarez

Natalie Cooper went from Beauty Queen to Welfare Queen in just nine months, and now all she's got to show for it is a toddler and a tiara. When she told her former beau that she was pregnant, it was a last thing she ever told him; he got the hell out of dodge. Even a child-support subpoena could not track down the freewheeler (he was using a fake name--that bastard!) so Natalie was on her own. What's worse, Natalie's relationship with "Rex" had caused her family so much shame and heartache, they ultimately had to cut her off for good. Her bridges were burnt and her lover had blazed a trail out of town. Who would she turn to now?

Then she met the Juan. He's Juan Alvarez, they call him The Leopard. It has something to do with how fast he could make money or close real estate deals back when the housing market was good. He's watched the world turn into a harsh, loveless place in the last few years, and has had to perform harsh, loveless acts. A master of many trades, The Leopard has been able to maintain a semblance of what was previously a very lavish lifestyle. He'd had almost everything, and no longer wanted anything except a Queen to share his life with. Finally the state awarded her to him.

Natalie Cooper will never forget the warm night at Tony Roma's where Juan told her, "I will take care of you and your kid."

Lenny & Margot

Margot had never heard of Magic the Gathering, or even World of Warcraft, before she met Lenny; now she is learning the ropes of online gaming and attends all of Lenny's Magic games at the card shop. Lenny had never watched America's Got Talent before he met Margot, but now he cares about it. They watch it together every week, alternating between Lenny's mom's house and Margo's apartment, until they inevitably, lovingly move in with each other. In fact, Lenny is thinking about trying out for America's Got Talent; he's not "traditionally" talented but Margo thinks he is. Yeah, these two do about everything together, they even take pictures together in the bathroom (must be a generational thing). And to think, none of it would be possible without the Government mandate. To top it all off, Lenny and Margot no longer need unemployment benefits because they've both just been hired by Kroger!

Keith (A.K.A. Rex?) & Amber

Amber is just like most girls, she'll have a child before she turns 19 and she just flat-out cannot resist the charm of Keith/Rex. She loves him because he's a bad boy and an enigma; he likes her because she's like most girls. Amber is--OK, that's enough about them, let's just move on.

Herb Patterson

Actually Herb was not able to meet anyone. If you or anyone you know is interested in Herb, please get in touch with him via Facebook. He's a good guy.

Rex & Jamekee

Oh Rex, goddam you!

Dontell & Duke

There are no words for these two. No words, at least none that I'd be able to summon. So let me just quote part of a song that the white one wrote about the black one:

     Jump up and down!

     Pick up my ***** and **** it around

     Pull me close **** and ***** all my **** 

Let's Work It Out - The Next Step for Date.Gov's Launch

The right wing--Big Business, Evangelical Christians, and the ruling establishment of traditional dating--want nothing to do with dating reform, or as they call it, "Love Redistribution". Only an elite minority actually benefit from the current system. Most of the voters that empower the right wing are going against their own interest; they say they don't like the plan but upon hearing the details individually, they are heavily in favor.

Conversely, Liberals are in favor of what's known as a "single player" system. This is basically a Euro-style nonstop sex frenzy. Everybody gets as much sex as they can stand, on demand, and the Government pays the bill. No committed relationships are required in this system, it's basically a Welfare state with free prostitutes. It's unlikely to pass in this uptight nation, but we can still dream.

The likely middle ground for both sides is going to be a system that incorporates dating site juggernauts like eHarmony, but includes a public option as well. There's one new provision involved that's surprisingly popular on both sides: the formation of the Federal Dating Insurance Claus, which would help protect and stabilize people's personal lives at the end of a bad relationship.

So even more Government growth is the answer? Did the Republicans buy off on this? Yes. Because they know business, and dating insurance is just good business.

A relationship is an investment. And in this dating market, there are a whole lt of bad ones. So wouldn't it be nice if the Government bailed you out when your Love Dow Jones crashes? When you enter a relationship, consider all the friends, hobbies, and bachelor happiness that you forfeit--now add in the opportunity cost of what you could've been doing, and multiply that by the interest rate. What you have is an equation that equals severe depression.

Here's an analogy for all you computer nerds: say you're working on a spreadsheet or a project when all of sudden, your computer crashes. The FDIC essentially hits CTRL-S before the crash, and lets you pick up right where you left off when you reboot. The FDIC acts as the "friender" of last resort that will forgive you for your dating debts, and will help you get your life back on track.

Recall the predicament of Natalie Cooper, the woman we met earlier. She was at the point where her life was falling apart fast, though luckily she met a 55-year-old Latin dreamboat. If she weren't so lucky, certainly the FDIC would've been the perfect relief from all the pain. She would've been able to reconnect with her family and pick up where she left off, as a single beauty queen with her whole life ahead of her. When the FDIC is instituted, the heartbroken men and women of America will be guaranteed a second chance; no single guy or gal will be powerful enough to ruin your life.

But if you've already conceived a child with your hostile ex-lover, it would probably be too late to go back...

Except this is America. And if it's profitable, it's possible! Whatever happens, whether good or bad, someone will be right there trying to make money off it. 

Once the bajillionith Cash-For-Gold business opened, the value of gold had reached its peak and subsequently began its decline. So then what are the business operators going to do with all that gold? Start the new capitalist fad, 'The Baby Boom'!