Freescore Fails to Score Any Points with Bald Men

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is regarding your television commercial and its loathsome, hackneyed portrayal of a bald man. Whether it is out of poor humor, ignorance, or pure hate, your ad department has postulated a scenario in which good credit scores are signified by physically attractive males with great hairlines, while a man with receding hair (and for some reason a hockey mask?) is the suggested equivalent of a poor credit score which, of course, no one wants. Just where exactly do you get off trying to perpetuate this fallacious stigma of bald men? This implication -- that bald men are shameful, undesirable buffoons -- should be abhorred by men and women of all hairlines. This is how you try to sell your product? For shame.

The ad that originally incited my vexation featured two young, white males as emblems of prosperity. This is particularly offensive as a racial matter because it does not embrace the multicultural community and potentially promotes white supremacy. In direct response, or perhaps preemptive, to a letter such as this one, you have cast an ethnic man as the exemplary figure. (By the way, great job casting the most ambiguously-ethnic man possible. He really could be of any race.) This shows that you may be somewhat sensitive to multiple types of people. But in reality, your political-correct tokenism comes off as half-hearted pandering.

Suppose this was a Freescore ad: A man learns that he has two good credit scores and one bad score. The good scores would be represented by thin, tan female supermodels; the bad score by a pale, overweight woman with acne and glasses. Would that be an appropriate message? Could you get away with it? Absolutely not -- it would be a sexist and poisonous effigy of women that would never be allowed on television. There are many types of people in the world -- we all have feelings and we all deserve respect.

I am officially boycotting your company and its services until you send me a written apology and produce a proper, respectful commercial. The actors in the ad must be cast as follows: one bald, white man as a good credit score; the other played by a black man in a hockey mask. The poor credit score should be played by a moderately attractive woman. A realistic commercial such as this shall be the only way you can restore your integrity and assuage the vitriol of the bald, minority, and female communities. But the fact that you offer a “free” service leads me to believe that it is a total scam, thus I would never dare disclose my personal information to such a degenerate, fly-by-night organization.*

Sincerely,

Pablo von Plinko** 

* I actually sent this letter.

** Pablo von Plinko is like the Art Vandelay to my George Costanza. 

What's On My Mind?

Here we have the most dazzling and elaborate video I’ve ever made. It’s a high-speed excursion through a surreal funk world -- where every person, place, or thing is a continuous portal into future action. This is a true boogie utopia, where everything is as it should be: the good guy always gets the girl, and the girls all have serious, major, monumental, big time curves.

The characters that inhabit this funk zone were created by Matt Rowland, and before they were brought to life, they resided on the album cover for Back To Reality, a compilation of underground boogie hits by Tony Cook. Tony, by the way, played drums in James Brown’s band The J.B’s, and produced some of the most sublime and ingenious funk of the 80s; The song’s vocalist is Dam-Funk, a modern funk mastermind himself. I’m a huge fan of both artists, as well as everything that Stones Throw Records puts out -- so it was a real treat to be asked to do the video for them. An iconic label of international esteem, Stones Throw personifies all things eclectic and creative, and I’m very excited about having some of my work figure into that equation somewhere, not to mention the exposure. It was only a couple years ago when I was just trying to figure out how to make music videos, and one of my earliest experiments happened to involve Tony Cook’s music, before Stones Throw reissued his catalog, and before I had substantial editing skills. Coming full circle, sort of like the video.

Now I’m gonna take you behind the scenes! Some of the theatrical concepts were predesigned, but it’s mostly organic silliness that I jury-rigged as I went. I used a mix of found footage and original animations -- the animations were hand-drawn, scanned, and sequence old-school style, while the other characters and backdrops were repurposed and re-animated, so to speak. A very wide variety of sources were involved in making this hodgepodge, and when you break down all the individual frames and little images, we’re talking over 700 files going into this bad boy!

Spockadelic: Leader of Michael W. Smith's Secret Satanic Army!

Looks like the sacrificial cat is out of the bag. Actually the cat was let out back in 2007 -- which, as you’ll remember -- was the height of popularity for my former hip hop act, Spockadelic. It was a time of corrupted innocence, when I exposed many a teenager to my deranged, sex-fueled rap music. Christian mogul Michael W. Smith’s all-ages music venue, Rockettown, should’ve been a safe haven for the vulnerable Tennessee youth, but instead served as a modern Sodom and Gomorrah! A recent Google search of  “Spockadelic” brought me to this paranoid Christian blog post -- give it looksee, and then come right back!

Only The Facts: Why Does Michael W. Smith's Rocketown Promote Satanic Bands?   

Thanks to this whistleblower, Christian parents could finally discover the truth about the venue they so willy-nilly allowed their children to attend. Under the guise of a wholesome Christian environment, Rockettown was nothing but a playground for ‘overtly satanic music acts.’ Is that what Jesus would want? Spockadelic is among a who’s who of different devilish music acts, most of which have dumb lyrics -- and also the writer thinks a lot of them are homosexual.

I just want to say that I am so incredibly proud to be mentioned on this dude’s blog, for I have brought glory to the Lord Satan. As much as I appreciate this infamy, I also feel short-changed. First of all, this guy obviously has not heard the entire Spockadelic album if he thinks the most destructive lyrics are the ones he’s cited. He just copy/pasted the particular lyrics I posted on Myspace. Secondly, does he think the worst thing I’ve done at Rockettown is rap? Psssh! How naïve. Try adding an “e” to the end of “rap”, that’d be more like it. 

Also this:

I Can See 20,000+ Eyes

A little less than two years ago I became exposed to the most intoxicating Italo Disco song I’d ever heard, and I’ve been under its spell ever since. “Eyes” has a great beat and a heavenly synth buzz, but nothing is more arresting than Clio’s exotic vocals. As I listen to this song, I feel like a siren is drawing me to another planet -- I’ve just never heard anything like it. Last year, I made a psychedelic video for it and it has now passed the 10,000 Youtube hit mark.

Even if you can excuse my starry-eyed description of the song, you may still find it silly to celebrate such a non-achievement, considering how some of the most moronic things imaginable can get millions of hits on Youtube. That goes without saying, but the boundless size of the internet makes it almost impossible for some things to get noticed. In a nutshell, that’s why the play counts on my songs and videos are so low -- how my gems stay hidden, if you will. Even though “Eyes” is quite a rarity, people all over the world love it, and that’s how my video got so many views (and also I checked on it a lot.) Italo Disco is a total cult genre -- many of the fans are obsessive record collectors like myself, while others were actually out on the dancefloor during the height of the craze. These people have great taste, and the fact that so many of them have left such flattering comments is a big feather in my cap. My intention was to visually interpret a song that I loved, to try to recreate the picture that it painted in my head. It’s been a delightful surprise to find that I’ve struck a chord -- that people, like I am, are infatuated with Clio but also seem to particularly relate to the abstract imagery I’ve attached to the song. Perhaps the video is reminiscent of what they had imagined in their own minds, as if I captured the transcendence of the song through synesthesia, speaking subconsciously to the viewer. Then perhaps Clio is really an intergalactic empress, speaking in a secret language to hypnotize us into worshipping her. Well maybe that’s going a step too far. But the point is that the most optimistic view of the internet is to see it as a vessel for people to people from all across the world to communicate and share the best of what life has to offer. Despite my general cynicism, I can actually appreciate how gratifying the ‘ideal internet’ is. But seriously, give the ‘intergalactic empress’ theory some real thought.

BoJo's Hush Hush Mix-Em-Up

http://www.mediafire.com/?btwo1jr95c5znyu

Here's a ravishing mix of electronic instrumental radiance, compiled by your favorite ghost, Boy George. Click the link to download it and then party to that phantasmal funk! BoJo knows electro.

If We Took a Holiday

Thanks to precise and effective marketing, many Americans have been tricked into believing in two patent falsehoods:

(1) Thanksgiving tradition is really all about the frenzied overnight Black Friday shopping.

(2) Super Bowl tradition is really all about the grotesque parade of ads.

How to Make Observational Humor

I would never make such a blasphemous claim as, “Oh hey, I possess the same magic of Jerry Seinfeld,” but I feel as if I can humbly provide an analysis of his comedy and how it works. Actually, I think Seinfeld is pretty magical. No matter how many times I’ve seen every episode of his show, I’m always down to watch a re-run. That’s how I’ve learned about his rhythm and the structure of his jokes -  it’s not that I’m that funny - and again, I’m not claiming to be the ‘next Seinfeld.’ It’s OK if you make that claim. That’d be just fine. But basically I’m like a shitty guitar player that’s listened to “Enter Sandman“ a million times until he can play it a little bit, and then posts a video on Youtube about how to play it.

So here’s how it works: Seinfeld first starts off with a “Did you ever notice?” This has to be something relatively common in everyday life - something people will be familiar with, yet something a bit perplexing and annoying. You know you’ve really found the right subject when the audience thinks to itself collectively, “Oh my god! I’ve noticed that! But I’ve never really been able to describe it.” You know – like why do they call it “taking a shit?” You’re not taking anything, you’re get rid of stuff! What’s the deal? The topic is now on the table. We’ve brought it up, we’re breaking it down, we’re talking about it.

So the next part, what sort of serves as the punch line, is the extrapolation of the joke. The comedian takes the subject matter a few steps further, asking rhetorical follow-up questions and offering some alternate scenarios to go along with it. “What if it was this way? What if this happens?” Just throw in some exaggerated variables to make the topic that much more absurd. In regards to taste, there’s a delicate threshold to consider – you want to be provocative without being offensive. The ideal crowd response would be a side-splitting “HAHAHAHA!” and a simultaneous “Oh hmm. How bout that.”

Let’s try a few!

Did you ever notice? These people with the Apple stickers on their cars.

Extrapolation: So I need to know your favorite sports team and what brand of laptop you have? Great, thanks for all the information. I mean, what’s the point? So according to your stickers, you are equally proud of your iPad as you are of your 4^th grader. I mean, how come you never see a Windows sticker on a car? “My other car is a Dell.”

Did you ever notice these Extreme Coupon people that buy a warehouse-worth of food? So my main question is – are they making quick trips to the store in between the big ones in order to get a little fresh food? Or are they flat out eating nothing but frozen and canned shit? Honestly, fresh fruits and vegetables are SO goddam good (and good for you) that it’s worth dealing with the hellish experience of going to the supermarket – God forbid – every week, and even paying the brutal full price of what? $.79/lb? I mean, come on. I sort of get why you’d want to stockpile food if you had a few kids, to streamline what I’m sure is an exhausting and never-ending cycle of buying chicken tenders, and cooking chicken tenders, and so on. But just because you got $500 of food for $5 doesn’t mean you’ve saved $495 – you still pay for it in other ways. Your kids can never taste fresh food, you gotta get them on diabetes medication eventually. You have to embarrass yourself at the store and annoy the clerk, who’s probably dying to go on a cigarette break before you come with two carts full of crap and a duffel bag full of coupons. I look at it from a dad’s perspective. The pro’s are that you save a little money and your wife has something to do (instead of cheating on you.) But the con is that you can’t have your garage for a workshop, unless you can fit a tablesaw in between the towers of Cocoa Puffs.

And what’s the deal with anthrax? A few years ago it was all over the news, we had to watch out for it everywhere we went. I mean, when’s the last time you heard about this stuff? I’m just assuming that we’re safe now. Maybe for the terrorists, anthrax was sort of a fad – like their version of Crystal Pepsi or Beanie Babies. Fun for a bit, but then it goes out of style.

See? Observational humor is waiting to be made everywhere, and everyone can have fun with it! Try some of these jokes next time you’re at a get-together or a crowded bus stop.