True Horror Stories From US Veterans

We live in a time when the US is engaged in violent war around the globe, while back stateside, war video games like Call of Duty are all the rage. Well if you like 1st-person shooters, how about some 1st-person readers? 

WFJ has recently enlisted a couple war correspondents, US military veterans to give first-person accounts of how they acquired PTSD - and I'll tell you one goddang thing- it wasn't from a PS3! 

These brave soldiers have fought hard so that you could live your sheltered lives, playing COD until 4am, when you finally pass out on your filthy futon. These men have seen the world from the top of the mountains of Afghanistan, while you look at it from the bottom of a Mountain Dew can. 

And I'll tell you another goddang thing: you better read what these heroes have to say. Their suffering is our suffering, and here are the scariest moments of these soldiers' lives. Now kiss your ass goodbye and say hello to the horrors of war!

College Hoops by Brett Samson

When I first got back from Iraq I tried to get a stupid-ass business degree but Community College fucking sucks. It's a waste of money even though it was free.

The first time I went I was like, "I want to go to college here," and they go, "You need to bring proof of immunization shots." WTF? I have proof of gunshots! From the war. And I have proof of Jäger shots! From the bar. But I don't have a goddamn badge that says, "Hey I don't have mumps!"

I called my mom and said, "What doctor gave me my MMR shots when I was a baby?" 

She was like, "What?"

So I repeated the question but YELLED IT AT HER. "WHAT DOCTOR GAVE ME MY MMR SHOTS WHEN I WAS A DAMN BABY, MOM?!"

She kept trying to talk about gluten, and if I'm eating to much gluten. I was like, who the hell gives a crap?

Later on I went to the doctor to get my Xanax refilled and he got ahold of my records. He printed out my proof of MMR shots and I took that shit to Community College.

I was like, "Here's my damn MMR paperwork, let's get my ass signed up." Then the stupid-ass working on the computer was like, "Hang on I gotta get my supervisor." He started yelling, "Meredith! Meredith!" like a little bitch.

Then Meredith's ass came out to the desk and said, "We don't have your tuition info on file." 

"I was in the goddamn army," I said, "Call the VA!"; she said I had to call them myself. FUCK!

I called the VA and they said I was good for the scholarship, but I still had to fill out a FAFSA. A FAFSA is a federal financial aid form that gets in your shit and asks how much money your family makes. But I say it stands for Fucked Ass Fucking Shit Application. It was bullshit, took forever. And I had to call my mom's crazy ass again.

"I'm not telling you, or anyone how much money I make a year!", she said.

"You don't have to tell the truth," I told her, "Jeez mom, I don't even care. I just have to fill out this damn form!"

I finally got the financial aid situation straightened out but by that time it was damn near Christmas, so I had to sign up for the spring semester instead of the fall. And that somehow meant even more paperwork. 

They made me meet with a Student-Career Advisor named Clyde, who was a joke. His curly red hair and big glasses pissed me off.

"So what do you want to do?" he said, "And oh, by the way, thank you for your service!"

"I either wanna own my own business, or work for a business."

"That's nice! You have an entrepreneurial spirit on top of your world-travel experience. Wow. I suppose it was your time at war across the globe that inspired your love of Eastern religion. You must have a deep understanding of the human condition and our pervasive struggles."

"What the hell are you talking about!?" I said.

"It says on your form you wish to study Buddhist Manuscripts."

"That says 'Business Management!'"

"Oh," Clyde the idiot said, "I see. So what kind of work will you be looking for once you receive your Associate's degree?"

"I told you, I either wanna own my own business or work for a business."

"Well, for the business program, you will actually need to take a basic math course before you can take anything else."

"Well, son of a bitch!"

So I took the math class and it was a bitch but I passed. The bookstore was out of books so I had to share with this fat lady that smelt like mildew and cigarettes. She smelt like she washed her shirt in a puddle of rainwater and let it dry while she was wearing it.

I was excited to sign up for my first actual business class, which was going to be in the summer semester. Then I got an email two days - TWO DAYS! - before it was supposed to start, saying it'd been cancelled cause not enough people had enrolled. Bullcrap! Bullcrap!

So I had to wait until the following fall to get the class. I had to go to another meeting with Clyde, and that turned out to be the last straw.

"OK, so before you can enroll in this class," Clyde said, "You need to set up a LinkedIn account."

"What the hell do you mean?" I barked. I wished I had my AK-47. 

"Well this is a personal marketing class. You get to learn how to create a resume and brand yourself on social media!"

I sat there and stared at him for a second, letting the stupidity seep in. I couldn't take it no more, jumped out of me said and screamed, "I mean, damn!"

"Oh my," Clyde said, "What's wrong?"

"Why's everything at this school gotta be so weird? Huh? Enough of this. I quit! I'm going on another tour to Iraq."

I started to storm out of his stupid soup-smelling-ass office. He shouted, "Hey wait! What about your dream of owning your own business or working for a business?"

I turned around and screamed as loud as I could, "I don't give a sheeeet!" My voice cracked and squealed like a dog toy. I was never seen or heard from again.

Clean Up Your Act by Corporal Glen Bones

My name is Corporal Glen Bones, but I'm not as scary as I sound; I consider myself a true Christian gentleman. I was born and raised in a small South Carilina town and all I ever wanted to do was marry my fifth grade girlfriend and serve my country in the military. I didn't marry a fifth-grade girl when I was a grown man - I met my sweetheart, Wanda, when we were both in fifth grade. I reckon I should clear that up. We got married when we were both 19.

Anyway, as the story usually goes in a small town, a couple kids came along shortly after. First came out daughter, Billie, (which is a boy's name usually, but Billie is a girl. We named her after her grandmother, Billie, also a girl.) Then our son, Gunther was born, real close after.

Then I got sent to Kuwait!

Well right around the time of the Gulf War, this show started coming on that the wife and I fell in love with. It was Full House, and it was about three guys raising three little girls. That became our favorite thing to do as a family, watch Full House together. It was an inspirational show about a family that loved each other, and best of all, it was CLEAN. In order for the Bones family to commit to a show, it needs to be heavy on both the laughs and the values. We watched a few episodes of Roseanne but found it to be lacking in both. But in '91, we had to take a big long commercial break while I went to fight for our freedoms.

Kuwait was hot as heck. And violent. But relatively quick. Before I knew it, I was being deployed back home! 

And boy did I miss some stuff! Gunther and Billie were well into their elementary school education, and Uncle Jessie and his wife Rebecca had brought two twin boys into the world!

Now get this: within the year, my wife becomes inpregnated with our own set of twins! My brother joked that it was because Wanda wanted double the Bones since I had been away for awhile. My face turned red when he said that, and I told him that remark was inappropriate but I did laugh a little under my breath because it was funny (and true!)

OK, now get this: we named our twin daughters Mary-Kate and Ashley after the actresses that played Michelle on Full House. This got us into the local newspaper and made Wanda's sister about lose her mind. 

We felt like pretty much the perfect family. The military sent me to live in Turkey shortly after, but our family embraced the change. I wouldn't be in combat, in fact it was going to be a pretty cushy gig. Wanda and I aspired to raise our children as upstanding Americans, we just had to it in a really weird country.

It was a little challening to get our Full House fix. It wasn't like now where you can just go to a flea market and buy any movie you want. We had Wanda's sister tape the reruns and mail us the tapes, but this took FOREVER! We got a new tape like every four months, and sometimes the episodes would be cut off too early. There was no excuse for that, Wanda's sister didn't even have a job at the time. What's so hard about taping the dang television properly? Wanda's sister is lazy and would never last in the military. 

It was funny cause the kids knew all the episodes by heart, so when Turkish television started airing Full House reruns in the Turkish language, the kids became bilingual in a matter of months. What a learning tool. By the way, the Turkish language is not "Gobble-gobble" like everyone back home thinks.

After a few years, I joined the committee that helped select the talent for the USO shows, which is the program that brings popular American entertainers to play for troops stationed overseas. As I read over a list of possible performers, I could not believe whose name I came across: Bob Saget! He played Danny, the father on Full House, as you know. I had never been so flustered in my life, and this is coming from a man who's jumped out of planes and been shot at. The idea that my family could meet Danny in real life brought me so much joy.

I thought it was odd that Danny was doing a comedy act, since he was more of talk show type of guy. I assumed he was doing a new version of America's Funniest Home Videos. It would've been neat to see Joey Gladstone perform; his Bullwinkle impression was hilarious! 

So I advocated hard to bring Danny, Joey, as well as Jesse & The Rippers, to Turkey to perform for the troops. I fought harder to make this happen than I'd ever fought in my life. But sometimes you can't defeat the bureaucrats, who ultimately rejected proposal. How rude!

But by this time the Internet had been invented, and through it we learned that Bob Saget was doing a whole comedy tour. Turned out, he would be performing later that summer in Myrtle Beach, SC! There wasn't any doubt, the Glen, Wanda, Billie, Gunther, Mary-Kate, and Ashley Bones were heading home!

In August 2001 one of the worst atrocities in American history would occur. We didn't know what would hit us; we were blinded by our freedoms. Our trip to Myrtle Beach started out terrific - we rode the rides, had fun in the sun, then the night of the Bob Saget comedy show arrived.

We became aware at one point that you had to be over 21 to attend the show. Wanda was worried we couldn't go, but I devised a plan instantly. I simply put on my full military uniform and wrapped a large American flag over my four children. Who would dare question a Corporal in the US Army and American flag? We walked right into the comedy club.

Wanda helped me usher our enshrouded offspring into our seats. A few people gave us strange, confused looks, but each time I looked them sternly in the eyes and saluted. Most of them saluted back, not much else one could do in that situation. I then unwrapped my children, essentially two generations of Full House devotees, who were now moments away from seeing their idol. Fatherhood had never meant so much to me.

Then Bob Saget came out on stage and started yelling the F word. I jerked up in my seat like there was a grenade underneath it. What the world did he just say? I thought. He kept going, talking about a woman's body parts. How was this possible? How could such a squeaky-clean man commit such vulgarities? Though it felt like an eternity, only seconds had gone by. How could he spout such filth so quickly?

A small shriek spilt out of Wanda's pure mouth and it was the saddest noise I've ever heard. I'd compare it to a bullet piercing flesh. We were both so shocked we forgot to protect our troops, our four little ones, who had no idea what was going on. Wanda put one hand over Mary Kate's ear and the other over Ashley's, pushing their heads together in order to shield their virgin ears. I tried to do likewise with Gunther and Billie but they were much more difficult to wrangle. The truth was, they were becoming pre-teenagers and the disgusting language of Bob Saget would be a part of their world, sad as it was. 

I didn't attempt to cover my children's ears, I just grabbed Gunther's ear firmly and jerked him out of his seat. He jumped to his feet and yelped. Looking back, I may have subconsciously been taking my anger out on him, but I am now sorry for that. A lump formed on his ear that was so big it looked like another ear.

We stormed out of the room; Wanda herded the girls behind me like a loyal sheepdog. I still had Gunther's teenage ear in my knuckles. We were so panicked that it seemed like a blur, or more like the worst part of a horror movie. Wanda kept asking me, "What's going on?" But I didn't answer. I didn't open my mouth, or emote in any way. That's cause my mouth was filled with vomit. We started walking toward the car, eventually passing a trash can in which I spit out the stored vomit.

Our family has tried our best to put this incident behind us. As for how we are doing today, well things really aren't that good with the Bones family but I do not wish to discuss that. I was asked to tell my most horrific story, which I've just done, and there's no reason for me to write about the turmoil that I have to deal with on a daily basis.

Can you trace the source of our family's struggle to the night we witnessed Bob Saget's obscenity show? I guess the short answer would be yes. And you could you trace it even further, to whenever Bob Saget became Stone Cold Steve Austin pottymouth. I guess some weird stuff was going on in America while I was overseas, fighting for Saget's right to cuss at children. 

All I know is everywhere you look there's the face of somebody who will dissapoint you.