Freescore Fails to Score Any Points with Bald Men

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is regarding your television commercial and its loathsome, hackneyed portrayal of a bald man. Whether it is out of poor humor, ignorance, or pure hate, your ad department has postulated a scenario in which good credit scores are signified by physically attractive males with great hairlines, while a man with receding hair (and for some reason a hockey mask?) is the suggested equivalent of a poor credit score which, of course, no one wants. Just where exactly do you get off trying to perpetuate this fallacious stigma of bald men? This implication -- that bald men are shameful, undesirable buffoons -- should be abhorred by men and women of all hairlines. This is how you try to sell your product? For shame.

The ad that originally incited my vexation featured two young, white males as emblems of prosperity. This is particularly offensive as a racial matter because it does not embrace the multicultural community and potentially promotes white supremacy. In direct response, or perhaps preemptive, to a letter such as this one, you have cast an ethnic man as the exemplary figure. (By the way, great job casting the most ambiguously-ethnic man possible. He really could be of any race.) This shows that you may be somewhat sensitive to multiple types of people. But in reality, your political-correct tokenism comes off as half-hearted pandering.

Suppose this was a Freescore ad: A man learns that he has two good credit scores and one bad score. The good scores would be represented by thin, tan female supermodels; the bad score by a pale, overweight woman with acne and glasses. Would that be an appropriate message? Could you get away with it? Absolutely not -- it would be a sexist and poisonous effigy of women that would never be allowed on television. There are many types of people in the world -- we all have feelings and we all deserve respect.

I am officially boycotting your company and its services until you send me a written apology and produce a proper, respectful commercial. The actors in the ad must be cast as follows: one bald, white man as a good credit score; the other played by a black man in a hockey mask. The poor credit score should be played by a moderately attractive woman. A realistic commercial such as this shall be the only way you can restore your integrity and assuage the vitriol of the bald, minority, and female communities. But the fact that you offer a “free” service leads me to believe that it is a total scam, thus I would never dare disclose my personal information to such a degenerate, fly-by-night organization.*

Sincerely,

Pablo von Plinko** 

* I actually sent this letter.

** Pablo von Plinko is like the Art Vandelay to my George Costanza. 

What's On My Mind?

Here we have the most dazzling and elaborate video I’ve ever made. It’s a high-speed excursion through a surreal funk world -- where every person, place, or thing is a continuous portal into future action. This is a true boogie utopia, where everything is as it should be: the good guy always gets the girl, and the girls all have serious, major, monumental, big time curves.

The characters that inhabit this funk zone were created by Matt Rowland, and before they were brought to life, they resided on the album cover for Back To Reality, a compilation of underground boogie hits by Tony Cook. Tony, by the way, played drums in James Brown’s band The J.B’s, and produced some of the most sublime and ingenious funk of the 80s; The song’s vocalist is Dam-Funk, a modern funk mastermind himself. I’m a huge fan of both artists, as well as everything that Stones Throw Records puts out -- so it was a real treat to be asked to do the video for them. An iconic label of international esteem, Stones Throw personifies all things eclectic and creative, and I’m very excited about having some of my work figure into that equation somewhere, not to mention the exposure. It was only a couple years ago when I was just trying to figure out how to make music videos, and one of my earliest experiments happened to involve Tony Cook’s music, before Stones Throw reissued his catalog, and before I had substantial editing skills. Coming full circle, sort of like the video.

Now I’m gonna take you behind the scenes! Some of the theatrical concepts were predesigned, but it’s mostly organic silliness that I jury-rigged as I went. I used a mix of found footage and original animations -- the animations were hand-drawn, scanned, and sequence old-school style, while the other characters and backdrops were repurposed and re-animated, so to speak. A very wide variety of sources were involved in making this hodgepodge, and when you break down all the individual frames and little images, we’re talking over 700 files going into this bad boy!

Spockadelic: Leader of Michael W. Smith's Secret Satanic Army!

Looks like the sacrificial cat is out of the bag. Actually the cat was let out back in 2007 -- which, as you’ll remember -- was the height of popularity for my former hip hop act, Spockadelic. It was a time of corrupted innocence, when I exposed many a teenager to my deranged, sex-fueled rap music. Christian mogul Michael W. Smith’s all-ages music venue, Rockettown, should’ve been a safe haven for the vulnerable Tennessee youth, but instead served as a modern Sodom and Gomorrah! A recent Google search of  “Spockadelic” brought me to this paranoid Christian blog post -- give it looksee, and then come right back!

Only The Facts: Why Does Michael W. Smith's Rocketown Promote Satanic Bands?   

Thanks to this whistleblower, Christian parents could finally discover the truth about the venue they so willy-nilly allowed their children to attend. Under the guise of a wholesome Christian environment, Rockettown was nothing but a playground for ‘overtly satanic music acts.’ Is that what Jesus would want? Spockadelic is among a who’s who of different devilish music acts, most of which have dumb lyrics -- and also the writer thinks a lot of them are homosexual.

I just want to say that I am so incredibly proud to be mentioned on this dude’s blog, for I have brought glory to the Lord Satan. As much as I appreciate this infamy, I also feel short-changed. First of all, this guy obviously has not heard the entire Spockadelic album if he thinks the most destructive lyrics are the ones he’s cited. He just copy/pasted the particular lyrics I posted on Myspace. Secondly, does he think the worst thing I’ve done at Rockettown is rap? Psssh! How naïve. Try adding an “e” to the end of “rap”, that’d be more like it. 

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