I want it to be known that I listen to the feedback of my loyal readers. I realize the last post was a little over everyone's heads (none of you watched The Torkelsons?) and that, maybe you've seen enough funny pictures and read enough puns. You want to actually learn something from the Waldo Faldo Journal. Something that will help you in daily life.
Well, I got you! It would not be right for me to be selfish with my language skills, so I am going to teach you how to write and speak with dynamic phrases and witticisms. I am giving you the gift of gab.
So for the first lesson, we'll focus on things you can say that will make you come off as a badass. Unfortunately in traditional public school, they teach you the alphabet but then they don't bother to teach you how to punk motherfuckers out. So crack your knuckles, kiddos, and start studying these fundamentals of trash talk.
- Establishing Intellectual Superiority
Discussing politics
with the wrong person is like wiping your ass with your hand. I do not
recommend it. Most sophisticated people know better than to engage in any
political talk with a moron, that is to say, a right-winger. Unfortunately, any
semblance of etiquette or respect is lost on these hateful simpletons, so they don't at all mind talking about politics inappropriately. Occasionally
you may find yourself bombarded with a face-to-face blitz of Fox News talking
points, here's what to do:
When you sense that
a political topic is just about to come up, that’s when you need to really go
over the person’s head. Before they can utter their next sentence, place a qualifier in front of the conversation that
removes the speaker’s credibility. This will establish that anything that comes
out of the other person’s mouth is meaningless dribble that you do not respect.
Some examples are:
- “Not that you possess any intelligence, but…
- “Given that you are completely ignorant…”
- “Based on your extremely limited knowledge…”
- “A bigoted asshole says what?”
A full conversation
would go something like this:
Sophisticated
person: “Based on your extremely limited knowledge of politics, how do you view
the Presidential election?”
Shit-for-brains: “It
doesn’t matter who wins! They’re both exactly the same!”
Sophisticated
person: “I see. Sort of like how you are exactly the same as every other
Teabagger that says that bullshit.”
*Now hit them with
this doozy!*
“Pull your head out
of your ass, or get a glass belly-button so you can see what the fuck’s going on.”
I adore that phrase for its condescendence, of course, but also its rich imagery. It paints a picture so vivid it'd make Jackson Pollock splatter on himself.
- Don’t make the threat, let the threat make itself
Occasionally you
need to threaten someone with violence in order to get your way. But in today’s
oversensitive, politically-correct world, one should threaten delicately. All
you need is a little ambiguity in your message so that no pissy attorney can
call it a “threat”. Think of your conversation as a boxing match, you need to
tip-toe around a bit before delivering the knockout punch.
As an example,
here’s a 100% true story from my dad.
After buying a new
truck, one day about 20 years ago, he went home to examine the receipt more
closely. He was quite vexed to discover a bogus dealership fee that was
surreptitiously added to the bill. Enraged, he telephoned the car dealer to
confront him on his deceit. My dad wanted the fee removed, but the dealer only
offered weak justification, mumbo-jumbo.
Notice the careful
wording of big papa’s last remark before hanging up:
“I’m coming up there right now -- and either you take this fee off, give me my
money back, or someone is getting their ass kicked!”
You see? Someone is getting their ass kicked. Not
“I will kick your ass”, which would legally implicative, but not anymore
effective. “Someone” is abstract, it could be anyone. But the dealer knows who
“someone” is.
So what happened?
My fearless father arrives at the dealership where three salesman are waiting
for him outside. My dad is sure that these men are going to attack him -- so he
jumps out of the truck, fists clenched, ready for a 1-on-3 brawl. Instead the dealer
frightfully hands my dad a check and surrenders an apology. I think the fee was
less than $100.
- What do you say if someone is nice to you?
What? Why the fuck
would someone be nice to you? They must be trying to scam or hurt you. Watch
out.
Oh, sorry. I’m
still thinking in my dad’s point-of-view. The truth is, sometimes people will
actually treat you well, just for the hell of it. When this happens, it’s very
important to thank them. But don’t be like, “Oooh why thank you!” That comes
off as effeminate, stop it! Show the friendly person that you’re appreciative,
but still gangster. And that you have great taste in movies. Use this famous
line from A Bronx Tale:
“You just did a good thing for a very bad man.”
I actually use this every chance I get. I actually feel really cool when I say it. And whoever I say it to thinks I’m awesome. Or they don't understand what I'm talking about. They’re all like, “Did you really kill that man over a parking space?”
- Now you try!
I know usually a nice loud grunt is all you need, but hopefully I've given you some new lines to use. We'll do a Language Lesson Part Two soon, some themes might be:
- Getting laid with a woman
- Getting laid with a foreign woman
- Haggling at a yard sale
- Kissing your bosses' ass for a promotion
- Ordering a drink at Starbucks
Or let me know if you have a suggestion. Until next time, class dismissed.
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