Freescore Fails to Score Any Points with Bald Men

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is regarding your television commercial and its loathsome, hackneyed portrayal of a bald man. Whether it is out of poor humor, ignorance, or pure hate, your ad department has postulated a scenario in which good credit scores are signified by physically attractive males with great hairlines, while a man with receding hair (and for some reason a hockey mask?) is the suggested equivalent of a poor credit score which, of course, no one wants. Just where exactly do you get off trying to perpetuate this fallacious stigma of bald men? This implication -- that bald men are shameful, undesirable buffoons -- should be abhorred by men and women of all hairlines. This is how you try to sell your product? For shame.

The ad that originally incited my vexation featured two young, white males as emblems of prosperity. This is particularly offensive as a racial matter because it does not embrace the multicultural community and potentially promotes white supremacy. In direct response, or perhaps preemptive, to a letter such as this one, you have cast an ethnic man as the exemplary figure. (By the way, great job casting the most ambiguously-ethnic man possible. He really could be of any race.) This shows that you may be somewhat sensitive to multiple types of people. But in reality, your political-correct tokenism comes off as half-hearted pandering.

Suppose this was a Freescore ad: A man learns that he has two good credit scores and one bad score. The good scores would be represented by thin, tan female supermodels; the bad score by a pale, overweight woman with acne and glasses. Would that be an appropriate message? Could you get away with it? Absolutely not -- it would be a sexist and poisonous effigy of women that would never be allowed on television. There are many types of people in the world -- we all have feelings and we all deserve respect.

I am officially boycotting your company and its services until you send me a written apology and produce a proper, respectful commercial. The actors in the ad must be cast as follows: one bald, white man as a good credit score; the other played by a black man in a hockey mask. The poor credit score should be played by a moderately attractive woman. A realistic commercial such as this shall be the only way you can restore your integrity and assuage the vitriol of the bald, minority, and female communities. But the fact that you offer a “free” service leads me to believe that it is a total scam, thus I would never dare disclose my personal information to such a degenerate, fly-by-night organization.*

Sincerely,

Pablo von Plinko** 

* I actually sent this letter.

** Pablo von Plinko is like the Art Vandelay to my George Costanza.