Hark -- I am the
luminous wonder in the night sky; looking down, smiling upon you. As I direct shooting
star traffic, I log your wishes and listen to your woes -- for these sentiments are the lifeblood
flowing through my celestial body. For a young Oklahoman girl, I was not a
myth, not a distant glow, but a true BFF. In the early 1990s, we sat together
intimately on restless nights of longing, wistful contemplation; she had steam
to blow off, I had light to shed. She was named Dorothy-Jane; an intelligent,
pristine girl -- in fact, she was far more radiant than I. Her mind was filled
with culture and keen thought, while her heart was filled with a deep longing
for true love. It was a joy to spend
time with the young lady and support her during those confusing teenage years.
But of course, back
then, I was not the dashing luminary you see in this recent picture, or in
tonight’s sky. Yep, back then I was just an awkward aeriform teen. Dorothy-Jane was in need of a father figure
at the time, and better it be a sixteen-year-old soothsayer in the sky, than
the musty old man who rented a room in her family’s home. For whatever reason,
no one ever felt that comfortable
around him.
Though candid, as
our conversations were, Miss Torkelson and I have now decided to share these
musings with all you hopeless romantics out there. May they be a guiding light
in your lovesick darkness.
Dorothy-Jane: Man
in the Moon, maybe I’ve been reading too much romantic literature. The more I
read, the more fictitious it seems; and the more regrettably real real life seems. Don Juan seems as
far-fetched as a talking unicorn. For I ‘ve always dreamed that a sweet
Casanova would one day pursue my love as if it were magical, more desirable
than a breath of air. He would charm and fawn over me until I fell infinitely
into his arms. Oh well. Meanwhile back at the ranch, I have someone following
me alright. A real suave gentleman -- Kirby Scroggins, Archduke of Hicksville.
[Big Laugh Track]. I mean, Kirby’s sweet in his own way. Not sweet like Romeo,
but sweet like a goofy pet dog. Or a pet hornet. [Laugh Track]. I can only
hope that one day Kirby will get distracted by a stale Honey Bun and leave me
the heck alone.
Me: Oh Dottie, I
know how much film and literature can leave us disappointed with our reality.
But that’s why we love art, it’s why we love dreaming. We need fantasy to appreciate
life and vice versa.
But when it comes
to Kirby, I believe you’re in an even grayer area, Dorothy-Jane. You say you
want him to leave you alone, but he sure is handy to have around when you need
a little attention, isn’t he? You have an inconsistent approach to your
relationship with Kirby; you tend to
treat him good or bad depending on your mood or level of confidence. Yet his
adoration for you is as steady as clockwork. You don’t have to give him your
heart, but you have to give him your respect. Men are confused by mixed
signals, so don’t label Kirby a creeper when you sort of need his friendship. Temper
your petulance, young one, and your dream man will one day adore you as a
sound, sophisticated woman.
Dorothy-Jane: Man
in the Moon, I am highly concerned about my brother, Steven-Floyd. He’s become
a dreadful bully at school, and sometimes he smokes cigarettes! But worst of
all, I just caught him stealing ten dollars from mother! That’s money she
sorely needs and barely has. I haven’t tattled on him yet, but I don’t know
what to say. Just the thought of more drama and confrontation disturbs me so
deeply. I just want him to straighten up and be a good man for our family.
Me: Ok right now
your hopes are up here (pointing above my head, way into the sky), so what you
want to do is bring your hopes all the way down heaah (pointing not to, but just below my crotch). Did you have
D.A.R.E class? Do you remember learning about methamphetamine? It’s going to be
very popular in your town in a few years. The good news is, so will
Steven-Floyd. That’s where he’s heading, Dot, I’m sorry to say. You and your
family are gonna wind up moving to Seattle, and Steven-Floyd will not get to
come. Oh, I forgot to mention, “spoiler alert.”
Dorothy-Jane: Oh,
Man in the Moon! Perhaps love has finally come to me! Kenny-Ray Culver -- he’s
captain of the basketball team, and
president of the literature club! What a hunk.. Ohhh, and he’s finally asked me
out on a date. We are to have dinner at a nice restaurant tomorrow night. But
I’m so anxious, do you have any advice? How can I make it perfect?
Me: Just don’t
fucking fart and you’ll be fine.
