The ABC's of Dining, Entertainment, & Food:
Gastrophiles Have Inherit Judicious Knowledge, Lest Many Newcomers Overlook
Potential Quests Regarding Scrumptious Treats; Using Verbs Well X-ercises Your Zeal.*
*I apologize for the unreasonably long subtitle, but there's a reason for it: I have a rare neurological condition that is only found in the most manic of writers and linguists. The main symptom I have to deal with is the inability to use a traditional acronym without jamming in every other letter in the alphabet. It's similar to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but cannot be abbreviated so easily, the name of my disorder is OCD-EFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ. While it carries the advantage of a savant-level mastery of words, it makes using simple acronyms impossible, even though they were designed to shorten a phrase - oh, the irony. My mind is like a vast solar system with 26 letters orbiting the golden celestial soul of Andy Rooney (the sun of my personal universe.) The letters move at the speed of light in a perfect loop, but with very rigid rules and in an absolute order. Fortunately I've been able to overcome the compulsion enough to have a prolific writing portfolio, but anytime I encouter an acronym, I'm SOL-MNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.
Don't forget, March is OCD-EFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Awareness Month. Thank you for your support and sympathy, now on with this delicious article.
Food. It's your favorite thing to eat and your favorite thing to watch on TV. DID Y'ALL WATCH GUY FIERI LAST NIGHT? It's a billion dollar industry. Likely, your conversations and social media activity revolve around food as well. I HAD BRUNCH AT THIS PLACE AND HAD FRENCH TOAST HERE'S A PIC TO PROVE IT. That's good, that's the whole point of life: eating food! JUST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IT. I'M HUNGRY.
So if you're out there living a respectable life, it undoubtedly involves going to a trendy restaurant one week, then going to another highly-advertised trendy restaurant with your foodie friends a week later, where you all brag about the different restaurants you've been to and YOU HAVE TO TRY IT. But before your next lunch, it's vital to have the lingo down. So I'll break down some of today's hottest buzzwords so you can sound like you know what you're talking about.
Slop house:
A buffet restaurant featuring a ramshackle panorama of pans, each full of indistinguishable slop. They're sometimes called "family buffets" because people will bring their nasty-ass families, and you stand side-by-side with these nasty-ass grannies and booger-ass kids, helping themselves to a big bowl of slop. The idea of a buffet is one of magnificence - where you're free from the fascism of "corpro-portions" - but alas, most buffets serve nothing but slop that you want nothing to do with.
"This ain't nothing but a slophouse! If y'all knew what real food was, you'd throw this on the floor!"
High-Fructose Cornivore:
In the animal kingdom you have your carnivores - which only eat meat - and then there's vegetation-exclusive herbivores. Nowadays you even have "locovores" who fetishize food grown in the area they live. But a large chunk of human "civilization" survive predominantly on plastic-packed synthetic snacks like Slim Jims and Ding Dongs. The primary ingredient in these nutritionless morsels is high fructose corn syrup, an addictive, diabetes-inducing sweetener made by the industrial-corn complex. And it's quite a racket these Corn Stars have: take government subsidies, make the synthetic syrup, stick it in every soft drink and snack in the 7-11, then price that shit low and sell it in bulk to High Fructose Cornivores.
[to the tune of Little Bunny Fufu]
"Little Honey Boo Boo
Hopping through the trailer park
Scooping up the Honey Buns
Because she's a High Fructose Cornivore with an extremely poor diet,
which is symptomatic of her socioeconomic status and even more regrettably, the lack of enlightenment of American culture in general as it pertains to personal health."
Waiter White (Like Walter White, from Breaking Bad? Because they're clearly addicted to Meth):
Look, it's not easy being a server at a restaurant. You have to work lunch rushes for far below minimum wage, go clock out when business slows down, then come back to serve dinner all night - and table four has been waiting on their chicken tenders since lunchtime! Go go go go! So many waiters need something to pass the time in between their perpetual double shifts, and also something to give them enough fuel to whiz around the restaurant all night with a tray full of Pepsi - oh shit, that's supposed to be Diet Pepsi, FUCK! Well, actually it should be Coke. But only the restaurant manager can afford Coke on a regular basis, so the servers tend to do Crystal Meth. Drug addicts have a bad connotation in the workplace, but at least the meth-head waiters will come to your table fast, even if they don’t have your correct, non-tampered-with order. So when the poor man or woman bringing you your food is jittery, scary, and acts like they don't want to be there - of course they don't wanna be there! They wanna be in a drug den or trailer lab, not a freaking Chili's - it wouldn't hurt you to have a little sympathy. Actually it wouldn't hurt you to just cook at home instead of eating overpriced, over-salted composite animal chunks and circuitously supporting the black market drug world.
"Hey did ya get a look at the teeth on Waiter White over here? It's like, smoke meth much?"
Try-it:
The Epicurean philosophy that open-minded food enthusiasts employ vis a vis new dishes - that is to say - if you've never had it, try it! Never heard of it? Try it! Sounds interesting? Try it! If it's on the fucking menu, TRY IT! Ya know why? Cause you might like it!
"Whatcha got there, blood sausage? Well my brother doesn't want any cause he's on a diet.. But I'm on a TRY-IT!"
Corpro-portion:
The strict corporate-approved ration of food that appears on your plate at any chain restaurant, no matter which one you go to. These portions are meticulously measured down to each individual bacon bit and are tied directly to the CEO's salary.
"When the waiter brought complimentary dinner rolls for my friend and me, it was a corpro-portion of exactly two rolls; one for each of us. My friend ate my roll."
BBQ-T:
Every type of restaurant has that one special little thing that doesn't have much to do with the meal, but makes the experience so much better. Chinese restaurants have the fortune cookie, TGI Fridays has all the shit on the walls (some of them even have movie posters and random memorabilia, not just fecal matter.) When it comes to barbecue joints, the added bonus would be the presence of beautiful, voluptuous women. You won't find any Waiter White waifs at these porktacular eateries! In fact, if you ever visit a barbecue spot staffed by a bunch of skinny twigs, get out of there! The food ain't no good! Yea, pretty women and cured, smoked meats are two of life's greatest pleasures, and they belong under the same tin roof. But that sweet dry rub sure makes me want my baby back, baby back, baby back. In my day, I've been in love with a BBQT..UVWXYZ (gah, sorry!) or two.
"The BBQT brought me extra cornbread, and took with her my heart."
Hassle Struessel (Pies for the hassle):
The phrase Fast Food is a major paradox, a McMisnomer if you will; the synthetic additives that make it not quite food are what allow it to be fast. But fast is not tantamount to convenient, for until robots finally integrate with the fast food workforce, your meal is at the mercy of bureaucrats in matching polo shirts and visors. At any fast food location there is sure to be borderline bedlam on both sides of the counter, and God knows if you'll get the right order. Yet surprisingly, the corporate hegemony of these chains can work to your advantage. Since their profits are high and their inventory is basically worthless, the big wigs no problem throwing you a few Big Macs to get you to stop your bellyaching.
You: "Hey, lemme get a few pies. You know, for the hassle."
Cashier: "What hassle? You ordered your food and it was brought to you within three minutes."
You: "Hey, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey hey... Hey. Don't hassle me, OK? How about them pies?"
Gheng-Bang Grill:
A restaurant curiously named after purveyors of historical violence (Ghengis Khan, Mongolians, etc.) where food is prepared by 5-8 men standing in a circle, just going at it. First you pick a protein - as the lingo dictates - then add your choice of veggies, spices and sauces, and rice or pasta. Wow, you get to be creative! But you have only yourself to blame when your dish turns out to be a dick-flavored clusterfuck.
"Hey I'm in the mood for something... overwhelming. Wanna go to Gheng-Bang Grill? Afterwards maybe we can go get some Bukake Baklava,"
