''Tis the season to be jaded. Each year, the day after Halloween, we're all supposed to take off our monster masks and immediately put on our friendly holiday masks. Fearsome fangs are replaced by fake smiles. It's a very jarring transition. Suddenly we're supposed to act like we care about people we can't stand.
Christmas is a rather bizarre custom, absolute sensory overload. While you may notice Halloween's hoopla everywhere you go, it tends to stay at a modest level. Maybe some cobwebs and jack-o-lanterns here and there, a few fake bats, and the ambience of scary noises playing through tiny plastic speakers. But on November 1st, Halloween is brutally stomped out by the mighty Christmas juggernaut. Like holding up a cross to a vampire, the Christmas season becomes the end-all/be-all as it smothers the last bit of spooky fun. As American culture insists: all mortals shall await the Christmas season and worship it!
All those idiots are like, "Oh shit! I can't wait for Christmas!"
But they cut out the part where the dog takes a giant shit on everyone.
'Oh shit,' indeed.
Now why does Christmas season need to start on the first day of November? Is there any historical significance to the date? Well after a significant amount of research, it turns out that 2012 years ago, November 1st was not an eventful day at all. At the time, the Virgin Mary didn't even know whether her child would be a boy or a girl, much less the son of the Lord God and savior of mankind. As strange as it seems, 11/1/01 B.C. was just a normal day, a time when the world wasn't already soaked in Christmas decorations. There was however, a bit of foreshadowing on this day, when the preggers Virgin had a major craving for 5000 loaves of bread. For those interested in learning more about these events, I refer you to this historical document.
Would it really hurt for Christmas season to begin, I don't know, a little closer to December? Of course not. The question is, would it really be profitable for Christmas season to begin any later? That's as simple as it gets, this whole "Christmas" thing, it's all a big racketeering scheme. All of this seasonal fuss is only for one thing: money.
As recently as a month ago, this fact hit me like a brick. It was like in Home Alone 2 when Kevin dropped several bricks from a rooftop onto Marv's face. But the proverbial brick that hit me had a bill stapled to it. When your wallet becomes lighter, it's like your equilibrium shifts and your world perspective changes. Suddenly you realize these friendly Christmas characters --these snowmen, reindeer, and Santa Clauses-- they are not our friends. While we're all distracted by the lights, the cheer, and the holly jolly horseshit, the Christmas Cartel is robbing us blind.
And this is how I knew for sure: I drove to downtown Nashville to enjoy some non-holiday festivities. I parked my automobile in the same downtown parking lot that I always go to, the one that's a few blocks out of the way and only costs $5. But this time the price was double. That's $10! And do you know what the fucking receipt said? Instead of 'Parking - Evening - $5', it said: 'Parking - Christmas - $10'. Oh! It's Christmas so you can charge whatever you want? But wait, it's not Christmas, it's the beginning of November!
Is that supposed to be "supply and demand"? The parking lot company just arbitrarily decides that the parking space is worth more during Christmas --and also-- Christmas isn't on December 25, it lasts from November until whenever they say it's over. Excuse me, I don't live in the North Pole, I can't see how more people are parking downtown than usual. And I did not see any sleighs or reindeer parked anywhere that shitty overpriced parking lot.
Thanks to today's 24/7 social media cycle and web traffic metrics --which measure internet influence and popularity in terms of 'likes', 'trending', and 'clicks'-- it's easy to get information fast, and to jump to conclusions even quicker. That's how I was able to discover that O' Reilly's conversation directly led to more Twitter followers and a more amplified and vitriolic dialogue regarding "The War on Christmas". This led to more Christmas marketing and advertising, which led to more sales in everything from Christmas decorations to electronic goods. And this led to rich motherfuckers getting richer. If you participated in a Macy's doorbuster sale this season, congratulations, you just payed for a new luxury hot tub at a North Pole mansion.
The so-called "War on Christmas" is in fact, the most profitable and omnipotent false flag operation the world has ever seen. Of course, it's a ridiculous notion to believe that Christmas could be taken away from you. But they want you to be afraid of losing it so you'll celebrate more aggressively. That doesn't do you any good, but it makes a difference to the Christmas Cartel, which is making a flagrant fortune off of your panicked consumerism.
If this holiday is just going to be about stress, wasteful spending, and further pampering of the most obnoxious and spoiled generation to ever walk the earth, maybe it's time we changed it. Perhaps some elements of Halloween could be extended for just a few extra weeks.
Of course, Krampus! If you're unfamiliar with antiquated European folklore, Krampus was the mythical counterpart to St. Nicholas, who instead of bringing gifts to good kids, brought wrath and punishment to bad kids! And he looks like a badass demon! How in the hell could Krampus have been forgotten for so many centuries? Now it's time that he made a return to pop culture, to show these consumerist brats that the world doesn't owe them anything.
To show my appreciation, I'm going to leave some milk and cookies out for jolly ol' Krampus. Hope he likes oatmeal!
